The Horror of Having to Disguise Yourself

I'm Jordan and I'm fourteen. I've been pulling since I was about ten or so. I've pulled my scalp hair, eyelashes, eyebrows. I tried to hide it from everyone, I parted my hair a certain way, had strange makeup rituals, and made up lies that eventually got old. If someone tousled my hair, I freaked out. I couldn't go swimming or do other things because I was so afraid of showing myself. Every time I would pull I would have this crushing sense of being ashamed. I would cry and hate myself. Sometimes I would pull in class while taking a test. I wouldn't even know I was doing it. Then one day I got tired of looking strange and going through all these crazy precautions to look normal. All I wanted was to be able to take a shower, not have to put on makeup, and not feel like a freak. So I would just sit on my hands, or pinch myself really hard. I wanted so badly to be "normal" that I stopped for the most part. I do it infrequently now. I have my scalp hair back, and my eyelashes. Most of my eyebrows are here but i still fill them in a little with makeup. The worst part about my trich experience is that my mother would always yell at me, and tell me i looked like a freak and that i looked like i had been burned in a fire. Only a couple close friends who were around me a lot ever noticed, and they are understanding and helpful.

jtwiggy jtwiggy
18-21, F
4 Responses Jan 5, 2009

I'm so sorry. I still have to fill in my eyebrows but I got over the pulling about 30 some years ago. Only when I am really stressed and I just twirl and bite my nails..It gets better. I know my hormones had something to do with it. Take care..XO

Twirl my hair..Not although I highly encourage exercise..

that sucks that your mum wold say something so horrible! i know how that feels.i had that too with my mum. she used to call me a bull frog and a freak and tell me i was mutilating myself. (i pull out my lashes and.brows) i think she was just scared, she had no idea what i was doing or why i was doing it, an she freaked out and thats how she coped with her feelings. it was definatly not the right way to handle the situation, it really ****** me up, but the past cant be changed,, only analysed i guess...

i'll pray for you!! and your grat and i'm glad you working thru

Trust me, I relate. And though I'm sorry your mother treated you like that, at least she's acknowledging that there's something there, and maybe now you can help inform her of the real reason behind the missing hair: trich. I asked my mother over this past holiday why she never asked me about my missing brows/lashes/hair, and she got upset and stormed off, telling me I was calling her a bad mother and wouldn't talk to me for the next 48 hours. Mothers are just overprotective and want their kids to be perfect. Accepting that there's something "wrong" with you, such as trich, would be your mother accepting that there's something fundamentally wrong with her, and most mothers are unwilling to do that.

Yes my mother just drank and ignored everything..Try to forgive usually they didn't get much love from their mothers.