I Drive Myself Crazy

Came across this group by accident, and I'm glad. I haven't really been able to talk to anyone about it. And it took so long for me to figure out what I was doing to myself.
It started towards the end of highschool - a high stress time. I cruised through highschool, everyday was a social occassion, i never did homework, left assignments til the night/morning before, and never studied for an exam. I was still stressed though. It probably didn't seem like I was terribly worried though. Obviously not worried enough to pull my head in, but I've realised that I seem to bundle all my stress in the back of my head and try to forget it. And eventually it takes over.
Anyway, back to the story... I remember the day it started. I was sitting at the computer after school, and I'm pretty sure I was trying to write an assignment, or I should have been. I don't know why, and it's absolutely crazy, but I remember just grabbing the big chunk of hair which is kinda like the side burns for girls i guess, that bit in front of your ears that's always fluffy (if any girls know what the hell i'm talking about), and i completely pulled the entire chunk of hair out, and then the other side.
I was satisfied. I hated those bits. But I had no idea that it was going to be an unstoppable habit for years to come. I still do it to this day, and it's been 5 or so years. I pull my hair constantly, always from that same area. The hair there is shorter than all of the rest of my hair because it's completley regrown.
It gets really bad. Sometimes I look down and see how much hair I've pulled out. Hair is everywhere. I just sit there with my hand behind my ear pulling hair after hair and hair, and it feels so good to me, and I don't know why. I remember years ago sitting on the computer and looking down at the pile of hair lying on the ground - I couldn't believe just how much hair I had actually ripped out. It's ridiculous. I can't even stop myself. And like everything else I do - I don't even realise I'm doing. It's like it's just natural for me now. But i hate it.
I do it when I'm stressed, nervous, anxious, worried. I do it when I'm bored. And I'm always bored. I bite my nails, pick at my skin and pull my hair out - and i can guarantee there's barely a second of the day besides when i'm sleeping that I'm not doing one of those things. It's constant. Sometimes I think I'm gonna go insane. Sometimes I think I'm just gonna ruin my body, and there'll be nothing else for me to ruin. Mum says all the time 'Why are you just wrecking your self and your body?'. And i have no idea. I wish I knew.
I remember when I first actually researched the hair pulling and realised that it was more common than I thought. And discovered that it's actually considered self-harm. I had no idea. And I tried to deny it for years too. Recently I have come to terms that it's true. Once I realised that it wasn't just my hair that I was destroying, it was my face, hands, nails and legs too.

I don't know what to do.

jasminjane jasminjane
18-21, F
Mar 8, 2009