I Don't Think I Can Ever Stop

Hello,  I just found this site and this is the first group I plan to join. 

I have been pulling my hair for over 20 years.  I guess if there IS an upside, the hair does grow back, at least in my case.  Otherwise, I could not have done it for so long.  When I was little, my mom tried everything to try to get me help, but really no one knew what it was.  I know it made her sad she could not help me, it still does because she knows it makes me sad and it keeps me from doing things I like,  i.e. swimming, roller costers, convertables etc.   The professionals that I saw seemed to know NOTHING about this condition, so they all tried to treat the scalp.  Looking back, in their defense, I never said I pulled it out, I just couldn't say it.  Why didn't they KNOW.   Funny, one summer, I was watching Donahue (Now how long ago was THAT) and I learned about trichotillomania, and there I was a teenager who had "discovered" the name for thie problem.  But, as usual no one knew what to do about it. 

Sadly if I go a little while and not pull, there seems to be nothing that makes me stop other than the absense of hair.  The big trouble is, that when the hair starts to grow back it is almost irritating and makes me itch which almost always ends in pulling.  Then in 3-5 minutes there is NO HAIR, then I still want to pull and there is nothing left, so I SCRATCH.  Then I am ok for a while.  There was a time about 2 years ago when I bit the bullet and went to one of those "hari replacement places", paid a small fortune and did NOT get my "real hair" back.  (But that is another story),  What I did get was a barrier to keep me from pulling and at the same time I took impulse control drugs.  Well long story short... for the 1st time in 20 years ALL THE HAIR DID GROW BACK.  It took a little over a year.  After the barrier was removed did get to wash, brush,  comb and run my fingers through my REAL hair.  It was hard to believe it was real,, like a dream come true.  I could part my hair in the middle, wear braids, and just go outside without having to cover my head.  It was amazing.

I stayed on the meds, but sadly within a week or so, all the hair was gone again.  I pulled it out.  I said " I won't do it, then just this one, then just this spot, then it was gone.  It was amazing having hair for that week, but it was so short lived, it was almost like a dream and I am angry I cannot simply have hair like other people.  Or at least not be a woman because I could get by without hair then.  (Note to all, I love being a woman, so this hair bit REALLY sucks).  Anyway,  I know there are really not many groups for people like us, the hair pullers and I know most of us suffer alone.  The internet is a nice venue, but if I cannot have hair I would like to have an understanding friend, with this issue, who I could trust to actually GO OUT with me and buy wigs together.  Money is tight right now, and I can take care of me, but honestly, my hair issue has kept me from even allowing a roomate.  A person has to have somewhere when they can stop hinding and not feel ashamed.  This conditions has robbed me of long-term intimacy and trust. 

Wow, I did not think I had a real story or would have so much to say, but hear I am and it did not take me anytime.  I hope others will share with me.  I would really like it if there are any Southern girls out there who suffer.  Well that's all for now. 

 

Majique Majique
36-40, F
4 Responses Mar 1, 2010

My dear dear sweet friend. When you told me about this last weekend, I didn't know, didn't realize the stress this put you through. i had no idea what this was about and the fact that you tried to tell me TWO years ago, I am ashamed that I wasn't there earlier, for you to talk to, or just know what was up. I am so sorry that it's taken me this long to read this commentary and I promise, I will be there with you no matter what. I love you deeply and am always by your side.

Thank you sweetie. You are and will always be my intimate friend. I felt I could trust you with this and would still live me anyway. I know you will keep my confidence and I am happy that although this is new to you, that you are willing to listen. I hope you are interested in learning more with me. There is one research center in CA just for this condition. It is the only one in the country. I have joined their group and I plan to attend a conference with them next year. Here is the site FYI www.trich.org Thanks for being there for me.

thats terrible! i'm sorry you go through that :( i don't so i cant say understand but i do hope for the best and hope you get a solution for yourself.

I completely understand. I have it too. Though I don't pull the hair from my head (I have plenty of my own hair), mostly my uncontrollable urge is my fingernails. I say I won't do it, I want long fingernails, though when a new one grows in, its like a foreign ob<x>ject that I must remove. I wrote stories about my experience with both Trichotillomania & Onychophagia.

Thank you all. I did not expect comments so quickly. This does feel like a community. Do all you have this codition also?