Help Me! Trichs Has Ruined My Life.

I know it's a bit TOO long of a story. I'd be very thankful if you gave me some advice.

It all began in 2003, when I was only 8.

I was diagnosed alopecia. My mother and father did everything they could to cure me. They spent so much money on my problem.

I do not know when I started this horrible habit. I was so depressed!

You see, amongst my ex school mates I was considered to be somewhat excessively smart compared to them. They started bullying me, and calling me "nerd". I was then entering puberty and in addition became plump, I was no longer thin and elegant. There came trichotillomania. I lived at my grandparents' then, since they live just 400 m away from my old school. Because I did not have to spend hours in studying for tests, I was often too bored. I would spend long hours tearing my hairs and EATING whatever was covering the part in the root - some transparent substance, I haven't read about it.

That's how things were. I was studying, I had great success, and was bullied about it. This had me frustrated, because of which I tore my hair more and more. I was becoming balder and balder, and was bullied even more! I could not take up any sport... I did not feel fit enough, and I was lacking self esteem because of my baldness which was all caused by trichs. I did not have an outlet for stress, and thus I unleashed this physical energy by hysterically yelling at my grandparents. I got mad about everything. I've even hit them. God, how I hate myself in this moment!

I realise all of this almost ruined my life. It was my intellect that was not affected because I didn't want to go out with my classmates (I though I was ugly being bald, etc.) and I did not give up studying.

I took up sports more than a year ago... At first my workouts were very difficult and I had almost no time for using the computer, let alone tearing my hairs. But in July 2009 I restarted the habit... after having stopped it and restarted it consequently for more than 20 times. Everyone could notice the vast bald spot on my parietal scalp. I got scared! All this time my parents thought it was alopecia because I had not told them about my habit. I had plenty of medicine and hair gels which were supposed to cure alopecia. I emptied half tube of medicine on my bald spot. Then I decided I was simply going to wear my hair in an up-do until it all grew back.

School began in September 2009. Having an up-do was pretty unusual and interesting for me. I'd always disliked my hair for its being sometimes curly, sometimes wavy, but never good-looking. I still had bald spots a year ago and it did not look good - imagine impassable-woods-like hair in the back and lower part of the head and some irregular bald spots in the front, poorly concealed with a wavy piece of bang hair. The up-do made my face look better.

And then HE come. I decided I should have him. I decided I should be confident. I realised I was not the inattractive, fat girl I used to be before. I was now a bronze-medalist athlete with a slender shape.

But how could I be attractive without having GOOD-LOOKING HAIR?

I wore my hair everyday in an up-do until January 2010. One happy day I realised there was one hairstyle on earth that would both suit my face and hide the bald spots.

I've been wearing it since. I got bored with it some 2 weeks ago. I hate my curles and wavy hair. It did not suit my new hairdo at all. So I made the worst thing ever - I IRONED my hair straight. The best part was that I could have my hair straight for 4 days with just one straightening. But my mom found out - and totally freaked out. She took the iron away from my room and I can no longer use it for straightening my hair.

I'll give up. This one "little" problem ruins my whole life. I feel unconfident, thus I cannot do anything right. I thought that signing up for the athletics team would instigate me NOT to touch a single hair ever again, but it didn't fix a thing.

You see, the one I am still in love with lives right next door. Months ago, I used to run in the school yard that is literally 20 steps away from my home. He and his friends often hang out there, and I realised I couldn't look UGLY in front of him - with a hair updo, and loose tranks. But I could not have my hair otherwise. The updo was not even done right. I couldn't put the hair-clasp in the occipital part of the head because I had almost NO HAIR LEFT behind my temporal bones and parietal zone. I started detesting my self again - for what I'd done and what I'd become.

I no longer ran a single mile in that yard ever again. Just because I did not feel right, I gave up running.

Well, I still am in the athletics team. Fortunately, there aren't too many people there (usually around 4-5 kids on school days) but I still don't feel comfort. I cannot even use a rubber band for my hair, because I'll have to tie it so as to have a palm-like hairdo. And a rubber band is strongly reccomended since we often do some specific exercises that might cause hair-clasp breakage.

These days I've been looking at my childhood photos. I see a pure, innocent soul cheerfully staring her big green eyes at me. I wonder if this was once really me. It cannot be. Now that I can see how I looked like more than 8 years ago, I cry at just the thought of the old me. Why did it all happen? Why did I have to become victim of so many misfortunes? I hurt the ones I love the most. I was hurt a thousand times. I've never felt confident and in the right place - though I've been given many many compliments since I took up sports and lost a few pounds. The poor 7-year-old me! Where did she go - it's as if she has already died. I don't think I'll ever have the chance to become as happy and as pure as in these pictures. This little girl seems like the last person on earth who would hit her parents, tear her hair, have daily splurges of hysteria, hit her head with fists and repeatedly scream: "I wanna die! I am so ugly! I am fat! I am so bald! I am so alone!" No. It must be someone else.

xSapphire xSapphire
18-21, F
6 Responses Mar 12, 2010

Ryan8, wish you much luck! And thanks for the support! :)<br />
<br />
Now amrcncntrydrmr21, I was in the same boat as you. I think I've finally managed to overcome trichs. You can begin overcoming it now, too. I just tried to occupy my free time with other activities... I started ending up in my bed every evening, looking at my hair in a mirror, and I was always like: "Wow, I do have really pretty hair, so why should I pull it?" Try to remember those feelings, the feelings of loving you hair.<br />
<br />
Now I have dyed it in a colour which I absolutely adore!!! And the urge to pull is gone!<br />
<br />
It's simple - just do something nice for your hair, that will make you love it. And remember the feeling of love.

I haven't been clinically diagnosed with Trichotillomania, because I'm scared, well scared is not really the right word because I am just trying to avoid an argument with my mom, but if I'm being completely honest with myself I guess I may be a little scared to tell her about my condition. She knows I pull out my hair and she jokes on me for it, because she doesn't understand what I'm going through. She compares me to a woman she works with who has this condition and she was just like," I don't understand why you don't just stop it. It's stupid, and like a chronic smoker or an alcoholic, all you have to do is say you want to stop and do it." Well anyone who has ever had any kind of addicting behavior knows it isn't as simple as that, despite how we desperately wish it was. I'm 18 so I can go to the doctors on my own, but my mom pays for insurance and so she will get the bill should I go to a specialized psychiatrist near my college, which would let her know I was going and she would be grilling me for more information about why I was going. I don't know what to do. I had gone into remission for about 6 months and then it suddenly came back with a vengeance. I have always had excellent hair, long, thick, and blonde; almost every girls dream, and I love my hair and don't want to pull it out, but it is a compulsion that I cannot control on my own. Someone please help =/

Hey I'm Ryan and I'm 16, I've had really bad trich for over 8 years now, and it is just so terrible and annoying. And because I am a boy who always had shortish hair, its very imbarrasing for me, i can hardly hide it and its really obvious, I got hardly any hair. I always have to wear a cap everywhere, it just destroys my life and confidense. I love sports, but many things I can't do without hiding my problem and i feel so imbarrased. None of my class mates understood my problem either which made it hard for me. And this problem just makes me hate my life more and more as I continue to have it. I never chose to have this problem, it may not be fair, but everyones different. just know that you are special to someone, everyone is. know what good characteristics you have such as kindness, know that you are special and beautiful to people. Just don't let yourself down, because that just made my trich worse. Try and stay positive as much as you can, create fun goals in your life and make sure you will want to accomplish them. It is yourself who can stop this problem, you can get support along the way, but just know that you can stop this really annoying, destructive problem and never give up and build your inner strength. feel like you can accomplish and in the end it will be worth it. You don't want to just give up and let this problem take over the rest of your life and leave you miserable. But I know sometime I can just defeat this problem because I am truely sick of it, and it will take time till I can build my minds strength to finally stop. Its been a long time for both of us, but know that one day we can stop this! remember you are never alone.

Thanks you, Emily! <3

hi i recently just saw a counselor for having trichotillomania i used to pull my eyebrows and eyelashes out i recently just stopped pulling in October 2010 it was a battle but i fought it i had amazing friends and family who supported me i couldn't have done it without them i used to feel like i was ugly and i couldn't stand to look at myself just remember to keep trying to fight it i did and eventually i stopped and i know it could come back at any time but i hope i can fight it again never give up. it will be worth it in the end.

HI i suffer from it too sometimes mine is bad <br />
and other times its not so bad i'll share my story too<br />
just know your not alone in your suffering