The thing about being suicidal... you cry for help but hide it all at the same time. You feel like your subtle hints should break through.. but you hide your weakness from everyone so well that unless someone is paying very close attention they have no clue, and even those who ask you "are you ok" get a blanket "I'm fine" answer with a fake smile. I tried to commit suicide several times, I was a very avid self harmer... but I hid it so well no one knew, for years... no one knew, I cut myself... even thought I'd often let my scars show... but then as soon as someone would ask I would quickly cover them and tell them it was from a cat, or a thorn bush... I was depressed contently and I didn't ever really know exactly why, I didn't really fit in with my peers, I was the girl who sat by herself in the back of the room that no one ever talked to. Never had a boyfriend, or even talked to any boys more than what I had to for class. I was extremely alone, and thought that it would always be that way. On top of my social issues, I had problems with sexual abuse from an alcoholic grandfather who shot himself after I finally told someone about it. I always carried that weight on my shoulders, I knew that it wasn't my fault.... but deep down I always felt like it was... Just a little back story... The time that I tried when I got caught I was much older..I was 22, it was a very bad year for me... started off with my sister getting killed in a car accident, moving 3 times, losing and restarting 3 different jobs, traveling 4 hours back and for each way to work putting in 16 hours from the time I left home until I got back, I was in the middle of a very controlling abusive marriage that didn't help my situation. One day I had finally had enough, one of those deep dark places that far too many of us had been in. I took a whole bottle of codeine and slit my wrists... I was found near death, woke up in the hospital.... had to spend 2 weeks in a mental hospital. The year didn't get better... I went on to have gallstones and have my gall bladder removed... then in December I was hit by a truck and injured pretty badly... It's been a long trek from there... I'm no longer suicidal... and through everything I've grown, I've learned to appreciate the small things, and life... even the low points... because its when you make it through those low points where you think nothing will ever get better... you prove that it does... your high points are so much higher... roses smell sweeter, the sun shines brighter... life is more beautiful.... I'm a completely different person now than I used to be, and though my past may haunt me. It helped build the person I am today... I know what its like to be low, to feel there is no other option... and I assure you there is light at the end of the tunnel... :)
RaynieLove RaynieLove
26-30, F
2 Responses Jan 7, 2014

I can really relate to a bit of what you went through I'm glad you're much better

Glad you are not in that dark place anymore.