Memories that Haunt Me At Just The Wrong Moment

I've been married 12 years. I've had a few (perhaps 10) partners prior to that.

With every woman I've been with I've had exactly the same problem: even though I can maintain an erection for hours (because I'm with someone I find sexy and also care about) I innevitably have such a difficult time reaching a climax:(

My wife finds this a huge turn off (I don't blame her), and so do I.

I'm the youngest of 5 kids, 3 sisters and a brother. Memories of a childhood filled with my sisters complaining about men and the piggish sexual nature of men have thoroughly tainted my self respect as a man. Every time I am about to climax I suddenly become filled with such a feeling of guilt that I cannot climax. My erection doesn't go away, but my ability to express the ultimate viscereal experience eludes me time after time after time.

We do have 3 kids .. so obviously I've been able to overcome the guilt on at least 3 occasions ;)

However, we eventually entered a sexless marriage because of two factors: 1) life is so damn busy with kids of ages 8, 6 and 2; and 2) it is just too damn disappointing for both of us to have sex, since I innevitably cannot climax.

My wife even (1/2 jokingly) suggested I needed to visit a prostitute (I couldn't believe she said it, but she did!!!)

And, in fact, on a business trip 10 years ago I was unwittingly seduced by a prostitute (I was so naive I didn't know what she was until we were in my hotel room).

Yet that experience with a prostitute was actually quite enlightening. During this encounter I was basically "serviced" by her. I have to admit - I felt absolutely *no* guilt about being a man during that climax. She made me feel it was OK for me to lust after her, and it was OK if my mind went straight into the gutter.

That was such a revelation to me - that it is OK for me to *want* sex, to find a woman's body sexy, to want her body, etc. It was the first time I didn't feel awful about being a man just being a man.

So, I have been trained to hate my male sexuality. Why? Well, read on ...

I recently learned that all three of my sisters were sexually abused by our step-grandfather (may he burn in Hell). So no wonder they grew up with strong, disparaging opinions about men. And no wonder they constantly complained about men during my formative years (they were 6, 8 and 9 years older than me). So, in a way, the pervert's abuse has even tainted me, albeit in an indirect way.

I so much want to climax .. but these haunting memories innevitibly make it - more often than not - impossible. My wife (and of course I don't blame her) finds this such a big turn off (it makes her feel undesirable)  that we have entered, basically, into a sexless marriage :(

She really wants me to feel dirty thoughts about her (she's told me). But she's such an incredibly passive sexual partner that I constantly find myself wondering if I'm satisfying her. Add on top of that my lifelong guilt of being a man - and what have you got? A man that climaxes approximately once in every 5 tries. Sad :( What's really sad is that my wife is a real MILF :) She looks as good at 42 as she did at 22! That only illustrates the extent of my guilt - I have so much trouble reaching a climax even with someone as *hot* as she is; with someone who has born my three children; with someone I love.

If only she was more active, and less passive, during sex. She doesn't like cuddling !!!! How can I feel OK about being a man and doing manly deeds with her if she won't even hug me????!!!!! Yet, she simply does not like to cuddle. She has said it multiple times. So, I'm left out to hang.
rmbjr60 rmbjr60
51-55, M
Jul 16, 2010