I Have A Real Hard Time Trusting Women, But A Huge Desire To Connect

When I was 6 months old my parents got divorced, and my sister and I lived with my grandma and dad until I was three.  I did not have contact with my real mother during that time, or any other time during my childhood.  My grandma acted the role of mother to me until my Dad got re-married when I was 3 years old.  The woman he married had her own two kids, so now there were four kids, two of hers and me and my sister.  She, of course, abused my sister and I mentally and physically from the time she married my dad until I was too old for it (she did not abuse her own children).  For me, by the time I was 3 I was on mother number three.  Throughout my life I have found it extremely difficult to connect with women, and make friends.  Time and again I have had women dump me as a friend, stab me in the back, get me fired from my job, refuse to write recommendations, etc.  because of the abuse I suffered as a child, I'm very sensitive to hurting other peoples feelings, being rude or unkind.  I'm not a nasty person who just doesn't know it.  I'm friendly and kind and giving, so this isn't karma.  Now I'm not even sure I know how to make friends anymore.  I live in a rural area with no close neighbors, I have lived here for 17 years and have no close girlfriends out here.  When I find myself in social situations I end up sharing more than I want to about myself, I think in a desperate attempt to make connections, but these trust issues get in the way, and I never reach out to anyone seriously, make any calls, stop by for a visit, etc.  I'm lonely, my life is not as full and satisfying as I'd like it to be...any thoughts?
Justine426 Justine426
41-45, F
Jun 15, 2010