Once Bitten, Twice Shy

I have trust issues big time.  I'm realizing this more and more as I go forward in life.  I know why I have trust issues also.  I have trust issues because of how I was raised.  Looking back it's ironic that the concepts of trust, integrity, honesty, and responsibility were drilled, preached, and lectured into me while at the same time breaking my concept of trust.

Just picture a childhood spent answering questions to a father who constantly questions with things like "Are you sure that's what happened?", "Really?", "You're not telling me everything.".  So while he was trying to teach me that honesty is important, and that trust is a hard thing to earn, he also doubled up with not trusting me when I was telling him things.  I notice the same pattern in myself these days and I don't like it.

Another problem I have is noticing patterns and mannerisms.  I'm an observant person and notice slight changes in actions, emotion, expression, voice, eye movement, speech patterns.  It drives me crazy to be hyper-aware of people around me, but I find myself not being able to turn it off.  Combine that with trust issues and you get someone who has a very hard time trusting anyone because he sees slight changes in patterns as signs of something.

That all being said, I find it very hard to give a second chance to a person who has betrayed my trust.  I also believe that everyone deserves to be able to start over if they truly desire to.  It's a contradiction between my belief and my conditioning.  Kind of like the poster for X-Files "I Want to Believe".

I have to come to terms with that myself.  I need to grow out of my own suspicious nature and grow into a trusting person.  A true trusting person.  I also need to make sure I don't allow my attempt to be trusting let someone take advantage of that.  As with all things, it's about balance.  I just need to find my golden path.
Abaxial Abaxial
26-30, M
5 Responses Jan 14, 2008

I have spent my adult life questioning how do I get beyond the lack of trust so I can embrace new people and appreciate them..but inevitably I continue to be withdrawn to avoid disappointment and betrayal. The biggest problem is with the people closest to me. While I have isolated myself from developing friendships to avoid this disappointment, I have somehow managed to marry a man who is cannot be trusted (I can't count on him, and he will screw me over and gives priority to everyone/anyone else) and I have a sister (our of 5 siblings) that I live near and also cannot be trusted...un-friggin'-believable that I would disassociate with people and still manage to have the two people that should be closest to me be the most disappointing of all.

It sounds like you just need some trustworthy friends to support and reassure you that they would never lead you down the wrong path. I do feel we can all heal these wounds, no matter how deep they go.

Major trust issues here as well! I do the same thing, I totally and 100% analyze every small thing about the people around me. And the truth is I don't like what I see. I just feel like people will either disappoint me or hurt me. Its something I need to change about myself, but I don't know how

I also feel that "hyper-awareness" and it drives me crazy. Being observant is something that comes naturally to me, and sometimes it is really useful. My trust issues stem from my family too, and I've discovered that my mom has some serious trust issues too. When I was little she would tell me that if I did a certain thing, that something terrible would happen. She would also get really made when she found out I wasn't telling her everything I was feeling, and she would threaten to send me to live with my dad. I just hope I can get over these issues before I have children, because I don't want to do that to them!

abaxial....i have 52 years of noticing the same changes in manerisms or behavior you speak of.unless you are a cop or psychiatrist where it serves you well it can sometimes drive you bananas.i feel what you say as a way of life somedays...it almost always comes out ok