Trusting Someone = Most Difficult Thing. Ever.

I don't feel like I can trust anyone around me. It seems to me that people always have some sort of ulterior motive with me. I do not believe that someone truly wants to be my friend. I attribute this to my paranoid delusions, and I know that what I consider to be the truth probably is not, I can't help but succumb to my paranoia.
I have been living like this since I was young. I do remember some episodes where the ones who I considered my friends very personal information to someone who had no right to know it. However, it doesn't look like that's the problem. What seems to be the problem is that with so many people switching out in my life at the "best" friend, I simply don't feel like it is worth the investment in trusting someone. I believe they are just going to leave anyhow, so what's the point?
This is going to sound bad, but I'm going to say it anyways because I can't get this issue out of my head. I don't even trust my own boyfriend right now. These trust issues have impeded my ability to have a romantic relationship with anyone, and it's still whispering in my ear about how he's cheating on me with his female best friend, laughing about how stupid I am behind my back, ect. But my logic with other lovers before him was that I was going to leave them before they left me. I almost did that to the one I have now. He keeps saying that he's waiting for me to trust him, but I don't know if that is ever going to happen. He's smarter than he leads on, I know, but he sometimes plays the "I'm dumb" card whenever he deems it necessary. My paranoia is saying that he is simply with me to use me for his own purposes, and then once he gets what he wants, he'll leave. But if this isn't the case, then why have *I* not left yet? That confuses the crap out of me. I digress.
Like I said, I know he's smarter than he leads on. Paranoid self says to me that he has some plan and some master techniques to keep me outside the know, and to keep on doing whatever he does with me being none the wiser. How do I know what he's doing even when I AM around him, let alone when I'm not? For example, his female best friend I was previously mentioning. I found some of what he says is her jewelry lying in his medicine cabinet as well as various other places. I try to bring up my issues with this very nonchalant. I try not to pry too much, like I want to be known as the psycho jealous paranoid girlfriend. And I'm thinking that when I'm not around they're sitting there making goo-goo eyes and talking about how dumb I am. His best friend is not known for being a quality individual, and he has dark history, which he has all told me about. So Paranoia loves to feed on these two notions as well as some proverbs such as how some people never change, there's an ounce of truth to every rumor.... I can't help but think he's being the greatest actor in history. Why? Well... I have my theories. I keep putting pieces of conversations we had together and then my mind starts going.
This isn't the first time either. Like I said, I left my lovers before they left me. I left waaayyy before where I am currently right now with my current lover.
I wish I knew how to trust people. But I just feel like I have been walked on my entire life by people who did not care for me.... It hurt. I'm scarred beyond recognition by what others did before. How I never felt like I could trust my "friends" to be my friends. How I felt I had to be the perfect woman for my lovers: not raise self issues/drama within the confines of the relationship, keep your distance, tell them what they want to hear. That is not love. That is nothing. That is a shame that I pulled over and over again, sabotaging myself as well as something that can be good for me. I just don't want to be the fool. I don't want people telling me "I told you so" if/when this ends. I don't want to be humiliated and betrayed like I felt has happened before.
How do I get over myself? How do I continue on with this relationship if my fear keeps whispering these ideas to me? I can't voice my jealousy to him, let alone my fears. That would be absurd, and then he would see what I really am: a nut-job, basket-case, run-of-the-mill crazy person. I'd be making him choose me or his best friend and I know I will lose. I just can't help but think he is. I really care about him, and I don't want m care being shoved ungratefully back into my face... again. He says all these nice things, and I want to believe him, but... I just don't know how to not take his words with grains upon grains of salt. Like I said... either telling the truth or a great actor. Which one? Who knows?
FireCoyote FireCoyote
26-30, F
2 Responses Oct 16, 2011

I have this same problem. I know my issues are from many experiences in many different kind of relationships. Family abused me. Friends lied and deceived me. My boyfriends have cheated and completely broken me. Even though these unfortunate things have happened to me, I still somehow wish I could place my trust in people. Somehow, it's just so much easier to trust someone then to feel the pain of paranoia. I'll have a little feeling they are deceiving me, but I choose to ignore it.Unfortunately, this leads to moments where I was right. They were lying. I thought this kind of thing only happens a handful of times in our life.But as I age I realize it's just happening more and more. I don't know how to feel about this. I know I'm mostly jaded to people in this world. But if I cant trust then where is the hope in people?

I completely understand how you feel. So many of my past hurts haunt me to the point where as you say, at times I suffer from paranoid delusions of things that often never come to fruition. The trouble really is that we tend to sabatage relationships because of this paranoia. You can only go so long pushing someone away with accusations of things they haven't done, or things you think they are going to do, before they get tired of it and bail. At least, this is my experience.<br />
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But a few of the good ones have stuck around, through thick and thin. Those are the ones who have been ever-present, no matter how much bullshit I fling at them. Those are the ones who have proven I can trust them, and those are the ones the deserve my trust. <br />
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I think you've got to look at damage from the past and figure out if it's still haunting you to the point where it is affecting your current relationships. It's about getting to the root of the anxieties that is causing this pattern of thinking. That's where I am with it, anyway, and it's certainly easier said than done. I hope things get better for you.

Thanks. I'm still trying to get to the root of the problem as well. I am yet to be cheated on that I'm aware of, so past experience doesn't spell rationality for this phobia. I'm rackin my brain trying to figure this out....

Maybe it's not a case of cheating on you but of someone you really depended upon letting you down, rendering it difficult to get close to people and really trust them. That's no easy thing to get over.