Lies All The Time :(My husband tells me I am weak. I am weak because I cry at my frustrations and just want to give up. I know I am not perfect and neither is he but I feel like I try more. First, Let me say…we are both raising three children (two are from previous marriages-one each) and one son together, and we also work full time. Up until February of this year, I dropped out of college. I have my associates but I am reaching for the bachelors. I have been a mother since 19 years of age and that is not going to stop me from pursuing my goals…Now…The only reason I dropped my classes were because I did not want to fail, and I had a lot of stress on top me (Finances and my oldest daughters attitude). –this is only the intro lol
When I started dating my husband, everything was good of course. I supported him through his battles, I helped him move up the career ladder (he is very skilled, just needed direction). I have brought him up in his darkest hours when he thought he didn’t amount to anything. I blamed his childhood because he never really got the support he felt he deserved…I use to agree, now not so much. My husband confessed what a blessing I was and how good I was to his child. One thing I could never take away from him is that he is an excellent father and a great provider (financially).
About three months after dating, someone popped up and said their 6 year old son was his. Ok…my heart dropped but it was before me. It wasn’t like we were going to take him in and raise him. I encouraged him to cooperate and get the DNA done bc at the end of the day, it isn’t the childs fault. It ended up being his and he sends his monthly child support but the woman does not let him see us at all. I told my husband the only way is through court…has he went yet? NOPE. It is been 6 years and we have seen this little boy twice. I feel bad because I know I am the reason this “woman” won’t allow him to see his child. Mind you it was a summer fling and she had told him she was Prego but that it was someone else’s who is in fact on the Birth Certificate…or was. After her my husband got married to his first wife and had a baby girl. When we first found out, there was no type of drama…she would call me to get her electricity back on, to send clothes, he wants this toy, etc. I never said NO. EVER. So about two years ago my husbands phone was off for a day due to non-payment. He was only able to receive incoming calls. He asked me if he could use my phone one night bc he had to go pick up a car that he needed to fix the next day (he is a mechanic). I had no problem bc I had no problem lol. I go through his messages with the intention of finding a video of my son dancing on NYE that he only has. I found some save messages from the girl in who bears his son…the one we just recently learned about. The messages were pictures of his son and then the last one I opened was a picture of her private area all shaven and bare (ugly too, lots of scarring lol) and she wrote “Look at what you are missing” . He proclaimed his innocence saying that he did not know she sent that bc he just automatically saved all the messages (which was true bc they were all marked unread). Ok I called her, cursed her *** out and then moved on with the night. The next morning, I woke up with a pain in my belly and my heart was pounding super fast. I couldn’t let it rest. I went to check the phone bill and there he is talking to her while he is at work. It was going on for like 3 weeks. He said he was talking to his SON but BULLSHIT…now all of a sudden you guys talk?
Finally, I got him to confess, don’t ask me how. He told me they were sending pics to one another. They never did anything physical ONLY because they are in two different states. I never ever had reason to believe my husband would do this to me. Believe me, in my past relationships, I always got played. I always had trust issues. But when my husband came along it was the best time of my life all the time. His eyes were always on me, he is always with me, we did everything together.
I was so mad that he betrayed me in such a manner…long story short, I forgave and decided therapy. We have yet seen a therapist although our self help videos, tapes, blogs etc have helped us along the way.
Prior to this incident, I use to cry bc I needed help around the house…working, kids, school and then home issues? He could never see my point in those areas and I just felt like I was banging my head on a wall. If I give an opinion on something he did or said, he gets offended Every SINGLE TIME! He doesn’t make plans to surprise me. He doesn’t go out of the way to make a day like my birthday a special one. He planned a surprise birthday party for me. The surprise? No one came. Why? He invited them the day before he planned it. I mean really? You cant sit and think to yourself for one damn day “Man I want to make this nice for my wife?” He complains he helps around the house but that doesn’t mean that because you changed one part of your habits that you cannot compromise for your partner! I just do not get it.
Recently, his ex wife and I were really good friends for a long time. I use to confide in him things I didn’t think were safe for his daughter to be around. I should be able to do that since he is not only my husband but my “Best Friend”. I do not want to write what I confided in him in plain details but let’s just say his daughter is now living with us and the court did not even have to get involved. One day I was upset and fed up with his nonchalant attitude and told him I was done and he had to leave. He put his shoes on and he left with his daughter bc it was time for her to go home bc she had school the next day (she didn’t live with us then). I received about 10 calls from two family members bc he of course went crying saying he didn’t want it to be over and didn’t know what to do.
I fell asleep and when I woke up to get ready for work he asked if he could speak with me. I decided to stay home that day bc the night was a bumpy one and I was super exhausted. He tells me “Oh btw just in case, I spoke to (babymom) and I was venting to her”
I said “why would you do that? I know she is my friend, but she is still your ex and I do not need any ideas about us in her head”
He said “Oh no, I didn’t tell her anything you wouldn’t like”
Since that day, her and I have not been friends like we use to and I asked her straight up bc I didn’t do anything. She said she was going through a lot and he husband had gotten incarcerated for the second time in a year. So one day I google her username to get to her blog and she made up a whole new entire blog. What did she write in that blog? Everything my husband told her and she was dragging my name through the mud. That for me was the ultimate stab. I felt more hurt then, than I did with his first error. She mentioned things that were true and that only him and I would know. She mentioned things I told him that were unsafe with his daughter…blah blah blah. It really was painful for me. One I value my friendships, and although I know I told him a few things, it wasn’t so he can go and reprimand her. Not that he did…he basically was telling her not to tell me anything bc then I turn around and tell him. Well No ****!!!! U are my husband. Ugh.
Her and I talk now bc I was woman enough to say Sorry and explain that my intentions were never to have her story out. It isn’t out. The only person I told was my husband but that is betrayal for her bc she did not want me to tell. I can understand that. So him and I moved on from that one. I cried my heart out to him with this incident.. I explained to him how many times he has thrown me under the bus already…
Now yesterday he tells me that the reason he doesn’t act like he cares when I cry is bc he saw his mother come from a different country, work from 4am to 5pm, come home cook and clean up until 12-1 in the morning. Well kudos to her but we are in 2012 and I need help. I am not going to drive myself insane and have many more sleepless nights. So for that reason, he thinks I am weak.
He has sucked the life energy out of me.
PS. two weeks ago he asked if he can go out with his boys, I said yeah! He gave me the address and everything. I googled it and found out it was an adult entertainment spot. I questioned him and he knew nothing until he got there (they were taking him out for his bday). Bull ****...he invited my stepfather and mentioned it was a ***** club so he knew. I would have still said yes if he told me where he was going. I really can care less about that...it is the honesty that I need in my life :(
qtm143 26-30, F 0 May 21, 2012