Abandonment Issues

there's only so many times it can happen the way it does for me

Let me put it this way. my father has always lorded the fear of him stepping out over me. He's always teased us with the door. He never runs but to a child it creates a traumatic injury.

Let's examine my relationships too up front. My first love was there for me, enough to hold and nurture every wound but I never knew what the difference was between a gash and a wound that needed medical attention (metaphorically) until the day she decided to stop being there for me

After that years of chasing after 2 women only to wind up with megan who  was everything I wanted and yet gone in just 4 days. I have talked to her only a handful of times sense and she thinks i'm obsessed.

Then what? Mandy. Who lied about everything from minute one. That wasn't even her name. She wasn't a marine biologist and she WAS cheating on me with everyone in sight WHILE SPREADING RUMORS ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK

Tristin? that was alright. it still is I guess. Except that we are offically on and off when it comes to even speaking to each other

after her (She who must not be named because she reads my journals) used me as a punching bag and refused to admit that she had ever ****** up and put all the blame on me.


And dani? Dani who sent me letters telling me how I had BETTER not be ******* kidding her about what i was saying because If I didn't stop I would steal her from tony only to sleep with me and the next day throw me out and yet flirt with me 4 days later for 2 days and finally step out saying she "didn't just want to but needed to be loyal to her boyfriend" and that I was making it hard for her to stay focused..

The worst part about it , the absolute worst part is i'm only shut out and abandoned because If I stayed near her I would win in the end and she knows it.

you wonder why I have trouble truly letting go? Why I feel so numb most of the time?

That's why. It's not because I guard my emotions but because i've felt so many violent ones that it's hard to get that worked up anymore.

and it's hard to trust anyone enough to let the walls that have started to form down.

I just want to feel again.

They all gave up on me and left me all alone.

 


ManifestoOfThePhoenix ManifestoOfThePhoenix
31-35, M
Jan 23, 2013