Negotiating Terms: How To Date A Girl Who Doesn'T Trust Anyone

I had no desire to date. To find a partner. To go out to restaurants and snuggle. Or roll around in the bed. I work constantly between free lancing and stable management, and I love what I do. I have two wonderful horses and the perfect dog for me. I was fairly convinced that things could not get better.

But they did.

I didn't take a lot of interest in the outside world, dating men or women, circa past experiences. A little bit larger than my boyfriend cheated on me, wah, I carried debilitating fears of intimacy. Still do, sadly.

For all the strange and unfortunate things that have happened to be, I've been incredibly lucky as well. Someone took an interest in me. Well, lots of guys took an interest, there's something about a snarky red head that make men my age ooze one liners regurgitated from jersey shore or charlie sheen. But in the annoying sea of men blipping about on my radar convinced that only they could fill some hole in my soul that I remained unawares of, there was this one guy.

Honestly, I pretty much ignored him for years. Attractive, in an action movie star kind of way, rugged and buff. Not what I go for. I couldn't figure out why this guy followed me around work. Why he showed up at my apartment randomly with food. Why he called just to talk. Why was he always asking questions? Who did those things?

Oh and the epiphany I had two years later, sitting in his jeep, when he dumped his heart out on the dashboard and told me how he really felt about me. Wanted to be with me. More often. In other ways. Suddenly, it all made sense.

And do you know what I did?

I got out of the jeep.

Yep. Eyes ahead, just unbuckled my seat belt and walked away into the dark.

He caught up with me. In no time. The look on his face, that I had walked away from him at that moment, god, it killed me. He simply asked me why, and I barely stuttered out that I had trust issues, the understatement of the new century. It's the kind of thing that I can't explain, you just have to live it. I told him I didn't know if I could be intimate with anyone ever again.

I find the fact that six months later, waking up next to him two or three days a week, to be a little irritating. And while I'm all about self improvement, I don't like being 'wrong,' per say. But I suppose being wrong here is for a good cause.

I was, still am, very attached to my emotional independence. I, weirdly, take pride in being single for years. Of being 'uncatchable.' Not that I like turning people down, but I like not being had, by anyone. So much I so I almost t boned my car at a traffic intersection when he arbitrarily mentioned something something something ' that I'm not single anymore ... something something'... I stopped listening before and after the single part. This hadn't be discussed. Terms had not been negotiated. the proper paperwork hadn't be filed and had not been sent any notifications of my relationship status on facebook.

This was news to me.

When our friends ask what our status is, his response is the best. He either says very simply that things 'are well;' or he embarrasses me with quips at social gatherings by sharing that we are 'not, not dating.' I guess it doesn't embarrass me too awfully bad, I slipped the other morning and referred to him as my boyfriend without even thinking about it much. I quickly recanted, but that didn't wipe the smile off his face. He doesn't need a label, because truth is I adore him. Ane he knows it. Otherwise he wouldn't be where he is today with me. That all goes without saying. And when I apologize for coming off as distant or abnormal, he reminds me of that too.

So how did all this come to pass? How do you break down the psychological barriers of the untrusting independent women? Are there three magic words you can whisper to change her mind? Was there some unbelievable gift? The promise of great sex?

None of the above. There are several factors of dating a woman with trust issues. And dating her successfully.

First being that she has to be willing to work on herself. Nobody's perfect, we all have baggage. But dating should not be on your brain unless you're attempting to reduce your baggage to a carry on size. You should be able to find happiness alone before looking to another to find it. Life's tough, first get a good poker face.

The guy in question, really has to make sure he is in this with noble intentions. Odds are if the women is past high school or college age, she is going to see past smoke and mirrors. The key is patience. My... '..boyfriend..' says he has patience for days. More like years. He literally gave me years to get comfortable with him, when he could have asked me out on a date off the bat and failed right there. Never once did he whine, complain about being friend zoned, or his woe be gone singledom. He was just a pleasure to talk to, to hike with, ride horses with, watch movies with. All of the above. The fact that he gave me years without putting any pressure on me, it's such a gift really.

If you still really like this girl, and are willing to give her plenty of time and space, you still have to have a thick skin. There are plenty of times where I have unknowingly shot him down, made him less confident. He would hold my hand, I would pull away. He leaned into to kiss me a few times, and I've turned away before. It's not him, and I've stressed that to him. I had so emotionally detached myself due to past trauma I literally didn't think I was capable of doing those simple things anymore. Despite having a sassy exterior, I was very afraid of intimacy. He maintained a very healthy sense of humor through it all, never took it personally, and always worked to boost my confidence. I've made a lot of progress, more or less thanks to him.

Of course there's still some trust issues on my end. But many have evaporated already.
I can personally maintain I can only get better. I also can't help but think through it all that if more people acted this way we would have a lot less trust issues floating around.
FewWords FewWords
22-25, F
3 Responses Mar 5, 2013

I have came across your story and it actually made me break down... I am a man that is in love with a woman that is you to a T.. She has been damaged and miss treated her whole life by men and her mother... We dated for a year and it was great! In the beginning of the relationship she did reveal some of these trust issues and ran away from our relationship a few times... I didn't unders at the time what was wrong, but she did come back... Then things were great for awhile almost a year then, I think things were getting to serious for her and she began to find things wrong and push away.. We both have kidos from past marriages she has 3 from 3 different men... One is 2 one is 10 one is 14.... I love them all as well..
She eventually left me after the year for another man... A couple months went by and I didn't hear from her, but something inside me still grew for her, so I messaged her on her sons birthday letting her know I still cared... After couple weeks she began to message me back then we started talking again... Things were great, just talking she was a mess though... So I just continued to be there for her because I do love her...

Well it's been about 8 months now there has been a couple times that I had to back away because of what I feel for her, and her having a new boyfriend, but talking to me every day... I have a lot of patience and I have the love to give... Shee does have trust issues and she tells me that but says I'm one of the most important pepole in her life...She sent me this text last night "I want you to know that no matter where we end up in this life.... Your special to me beyond words... I called her and she was a mess again... I just listened and assured her she was special to me and I'm not going anywhere... She is sad from some bad decisions she has made in the last year... She said she couldn't talk to me about them and I said that was ok... I'm always here for you... We continued to talk for awhile and she was ok when we said goodnight...

I was wondering how your relationship is now? How are you doing with yourself? Have you relapsed to the way you were before? How is your boyfriend holding up still?
Any thoughts or advise would be appericated!


Add a response...

I've always felt rushed into relationships, even with those to whom I was very attracted. This is not fear of commitment, but fear of opening up completely, i think. Some of us do need some boundaries, safe zones. I have been fat and ugly before, and rejected or ridiculed for that. But it hurts so much more deeply to be rejected for what someone judges insufficient on the inside.

However, we our usually far more judgemental of ourselves than we think others to be. So it is important, although excruciating, that we let ourselves open up sometime to someone..

It is rare to find someone so patient and understanding as your un-boyfriend. I think you are both lucky people.

Thanks for the read and comment Rattles, you gave me a lot to chew on there.