I Can't Trust

i have trust issues all my life, from abusive grandmother, to sexual abuse as a child and being involved with student film groups.  i was severely abused, I've been bashed and kicked by a group of people then later raped, collapsing after ;ilke a stroke and suffered trauma and memory problems since.  i couldn't get away. it was so wet, dark and cold- i was frozen stiff. all cuz i got invited to this party. that has made me less trusting of people. it was a nightmere reminding me of all the weird parties as a child, where violence had broken out.

i've been assulted a few times at parties by relatives and violent men.

as soon as i sense something fearful i back out,  the trust is gone. my heart has literally pulled out. I want to trust but everytime I do I get burnt,

I still have fondness for bugsy, and how I wish things could have been different. I admit I wanted to **** him when I was a kid. ok, I said it!!! it was a wrong feeling to have.  but it felt fucken good.  we...i mean he never did, but how I wish.   I get so confused.  I am still scared.  I don't know who to trust. My real fear is that he was taking me down the whole time and making fun of me, I mean he could easiler have been honest about who he was and do the right and polite thing! I just made the mistake of trusting but that was a silly childs mistake, perhaps "they" wanted me to do that to get burnt and take away everything from us and make sure I was raped and failed uni, so that I would be silenced from telling the truth about my family inlaw abuse and the satanic abuse. who do i trust? even now I know that from my side of things it was genuine with bugsy, brig, and werner and my cousins...but it was never on their side.  that is what I am thinking now.  they only wanted to know us to take us down like everyone has done to me. 

I wanted to love rick so much. and theres been others it never got past the first base,  being so shy, nervous and frightened to trust. doesn't help but when people play games and set the trouble in and lie and undermine it only adds to my fear, anxiety and confusion.

and I wanted to show him who the real me was.  I have been waiting all my life to be a woman getting the love of a man she loves.

i was 26 when raped and was a virgin, i can't seem to connect or trust to have loving relationships.  why didn't ken show any emotion? and why didn't any nice man ask me out or treat me right.  I am so scared to put myself in the same position again.  Nicki at the hospital said it was date rape.   i haven't been with anyone sexually since this happened. I even questioned when ken told me he left a woman at the alter in Thialand and he;d had heaps of affairs on his wife - I didn't really believe him when he said he'd had a visectomy.  cuz I think I had a miscarrage a month later - cuz I had a very heavy period and was so ill, on medications, I layed in bed a sick as for over a week and a half, and vomitting, crying uncontrollably over nothing and everything.

he didn't bash me but he was mentally manipulative and it was others in a satanic film group  who bashed and kicked me to prime me up.  did they get it on video?no one has ever shown or given me love. its the way he took me with a care just controlled the bed which I had not had that kind of experience like that it felt forcible, bullying and it frightened me.  The whole night I couldn't trust him, I wanted to leave. but how? and I wasn't ready for what he did.

no wonder I collapsed said nicki at the hospital, it must have been traumatic and overwhelming not knowing what to expect, I felt like a ****, like a prostitute, humiliating and so dirty.

i was even no't sure to trust a support group one time, thinking they were sending me to the wrong place...and left work places out of fear of assault etc.

i know it is like a mental illness. every face may as well be the man who assaulted me???? its energy zapping.

my family inlaws are into satanic ritual abuse as me- often as their target for unleashing abuses.  They are evil towards me and have spread lies about my family and me to stop my career opportunities.  and good quality eligible men liking me.  they like to think they are so supieror of me and they copy any ideas I have as their own.  Like cuz I wanted to do media they do, if I want to do dental, they do, and if change to something else they do...if I share a fantasy or goal - they take it as their own goals and cuz they have more money and power and have cut off my supplies they beat me to it, and they are always 6 feet ahead and there has to be a reason why, its either someone steals things like diaries out of my room or my sister or mother feeds them gossip or its coming from somewhere else, I don't think they bug my house, but I am sure at the clinic i was working it was bugged.

they treat me with a real slap in the face, like as if I am a bad person or lazy or arrogant when I am none of those things and they are crazy if they can't see that.  and my family know the truth about me as a person.  and if i do say something as a joke they take like it is serious and vis-versa that I am sick of.  I think that my cousins are a bunch of absolute arseholes and I will never forgive them, never turn the cheek, never welcome them into my life.

I did nothing wrong.  and if my godparents don't want to know I aint crying over it. I cry over Werner. cuz I loved him cuz no other decent man would get off his arse and treat me right to win my heart and affections.

I constantly feel like people or so called friends are always working at trying to take me and my family down financially, emotionally and sexually, or even mentally.  So I am left with nothing.  The world is becoming so cruel, I do not addivate this tought love crap...I have had people do things to me and all it does is confuse further, I get servier migrains when people start that kind if crap on me.  and its good to give it back to bully-dog sl@ts out there when they start on me.  I've had doctors and teachers and counsellors just yell and abuse me further when I have been bullied.  one time I was bashed and all the teachers did was go off at me further and said I was too timid.  and when I was raped people just yelled at me, one day when I was bashed in the city my therapist just abused me further ,and when I told her about my uncle she did the same again. why do people do that cuz all they are doing is compounding the battery and continuing abuse on someone who doesn't deserve it.  Its impolite and un-necessary, and down right rude and aborhorant to abuse someone whose been abused.

I can't trust my relatives and my sisters ex-family all did degridating things to me.

Alex used to hurt me and they broke into the house.  They used to take drugs over on the island and would act stupid and degridate my sister.

and go around spreading lies about us.  make fun of us all the time, like we were spastic beneath their feet.

My own cousins have always degridated me sexually and mentally...have sex on my bed at the parties at our place when we were kids. andd touching me.

I can't take much more of their abuses its kiling me. and when I was dressing a little pretty and lost some weight they stopped men liking me, they promised to them me with the girl in a millon quest but done came good with any help, which is a typical pattern and done of them turned up for the finals as any support to me. and all they ever do is laugh at me. 

I am sick of these old dogs trying to compete with the young men out there.  I've been abused not only by men sexually but also women - especially these ugly fat retarto horny old dogs, or perume steam rollers horny slags.

I will never marry or have a relationship that I know.  I won't fall for the lies ever again. I won't ever forgive my family inlaws for what they have done to me. and no more socializing.  no parties, no funerals - I absolutely hate them and I can't waite for una to die so we as a family can leave here.  Mum said she won't tolerate them abusing me , and if she finds out anything more she go off at my older cousins.  and she believes me - I am sick of suesy insults and smerking, I am sick of elizabeths hurtful fat comments and sick of una putting me down, I am sick of snobby louise smerking and degridating me, I am sick of patricks arogance towards me. and phil has always treated rose and I and the whole family like we are retarted. I am sick of it.  I am sick of the public degridations and ritual humiliations...never again from my dirty inlaws. never ever again.

I have been told by people I am too genuine , too honest, too loyal, and would be a great loyal friend would be there for her friends once the mutual loyality and genuiness is there.  thats true but thats been by biggest down fall. 

I made too many mistakes in the past 30 years and certainly I feel like I have bought shame on my family and on myself with rick, and katy, joyce, and waht ken did.  I made too many mistakes.  they can't be repaired.  I no longer really care to repair some things.  I just accept.  I don't even want a guy now.

why ???????????? just why???????????????????? it doesn't matter.

czaristacrystals czaristacrystals
36-40, F
Feb 9, 2010