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Bully Victim Of Choice

What I remember from my childhood is hiding during recess and not being allowed to sit down on the bus.  I remember the teachers turning a blind eye to the bullying, and then nagging at me when my grades fell.  I remember my parents being so tuned into their own dysfunctional relationship that they couldn't see me trying to vanish, to become invisible.  What I heard from them was 'you are lazy' and 'you aren't good enough, you should be doing better'.  20 years later I realized it was not laziness, it was an undiagnosed learning disability and very probably childhood depression.

In short, my peers were tormenting me and the responsible adults were ignoring the situation and my distress. 

When we moved as I entered ninth grade, I thought it was a fresh start.  I had a best friend who controlled me, but I wasn't all alone anymore.  I got kicked out of one parent's house, and then the chemically dependent SO of the other made it impossible for me to live there too.  (I'm not saying I was completely blameless in all cases, but it doesn't take a genius to see that the turmoil my family had ignored for so many years was taking it's toll).

So I married husband number one.  Abusive about sums it up (he thought marital rape was not just acceptable, but commonplace).  I was 5 foot 7, weighed 110 pounds, and dressed like a tramp. I ate nothing, drank excessively, and started smoking.  I hoarded medications in case someday I couldn't take it anymore.  But since he was the only person on earth who wanted me around I stuck for 2 years.

Call it divine intervention, epiphany, whatever.  I woke up and realized it didn't have to be this way.  I left, I went to college, I married my best friend.  I'm clean, sober, a SAHM and home educating mom of three.

 I see my old friends from HS on Facebook.  They have careers, accomplishments, and each other.  I have my husband, children, and volunteer work.  I'm fat, and feel like I'm of no worth.  I KNOW better, but don't FEEL it.  And I'm so tired of thinking I  am not good enough, not worthy, can't do anything right or well.  I see people with self confidence, and all I can do is marvel.  It's as foreign to me as having a tail or wings.

K626 K626 36-40, F Feb 19, 2010

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