Fighting Obssessive Thoughts Can Work!
Four months after my 20-year old son committed suicide, while I was going through a major depressive period, I found my husband on the phone with a woman, explicitly having sex. I was devastated, for more than a year I couldn't stop thinking about this and everything else he confessed. He'd been leading a double life for over ten years, with different lovers and even prostitutes. I spent days, weeks, months and years obssesing about his extracurricular relationships, his lies, the other women, where he'd met them, what he'd done with them, how he had managed to lie to me for so long, were they younger? (mostly), were they thinner? (all of them), were they from a higher socioeconomic level and better educated? (NO), were they better in bed? (he never told me). At a point last year it got so bad that I was thinking suicide day and night, was hospitalized three times and told that I'd have to be treated with ECT (scientific lingo for electroshock). This was exactly what I needed to wake up. Fearing that electroshock would erase memories of my dead baby forever, I said goodbye to traditional medicine and turned to alternative therapists. Through pranic healing, yoga, my deep faith in God, retreats, prayer groups, and a humanistic transpersonal psychiatrist who gradually replaced the 19 pills I took everyday with Bach flowers, together with my own strong efforts to take hold of my life, I can proudly say that I'm a new person. My son taught me a lesson: don't let others (persons, thoughts, addictions, etc.) control who you are. If I think of anything related to those women, I'm giving them, or my husband, power over me. Whenever I feel I'm starting to slip back into my old behavior, I make a conscious decision to stop. It makes me feel great and it certainly spares me a lot of pain. Also, it lets me concentrate on my healing, my well-being and my ability to love and help others, starting by my two other sons and, believe it or not, my own husband. I haven't forgiven him yet, but I'm a lot more compassionate now. I understand he has a painful childhood story and deep psychological problems that he's really struggling to acknowledge and beat. If I could do it, considering all that had happenned, anyone can do it. It takes courage, patience and a lot of help, but anyone can do it. If there's someone who would like to talk about this more privately, my e-mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org. I'm always available to lend an ear and a hand. Thank you for letting me share one of my stories.