Love Vs. Hate

Sitting back and looking through old photo albums, I was so surprised at the way things looked in the past. Everyone was happy, proud and enjoying life. I was born to extremely proud parents. Being the first born, I received everything my little heart could desire – toys, clothing and most of all, love. My father was never around, but when he was, we had the best father-and-daughter relationship and a very good one. There was always communication between my father and me.
Staring at a photograph of my father, I remembered my mother telling me how I would only sleep on my father’s chest, as a baby, and nowhere else. Growing up, I was “Daddy’s little girl” and would always run to him. My mother was often jealous because of the relationship we had. But as the years went by the “perfect” relationship I thought we had, slowly began to fade.
I often heard my parents argue and because I looked up to my father so much, I never saw the wrong in him and would always be angry with my mother – as if it was all her fault. But then I grew up and gradually realised his faults and failings. Then the fact that he was hardly around began to really bother me and I felt less love from him. Growing up and becoming a teenage girl and young woman, I felt as if now was the most important time in my life when I needed my father the most, but he always disappointed me, time and time again.
Then there was one incident that changed my views towards my father forever. I was always a quiet child and always withdrew into myself from everything around me. I never could open up to my father and never ever told him how much I was hurting inside. Then there was a time when my parents were arguing and I told my father how I felt. But what hurt me the most that night, was that he told me he would no longer be my father and that I shouldn’t even consider him as one. I went into my room and laid onto my bed. I held my pillow and cried. Each tear I cried, represented a faded memory of him. I was so hurt and disappointed.
Ever since then, the relationship between us has never been the same. We hardly talk to each other and even though I’ve tried everything to improve the relationship, it still feels as if he doesn’t care. I honestly can’t say that I hate my father because I don’t know what hate really is. All I can say is that I’m hurting at the moment and the anger inside of me is slowly erasing all the love I have for him…
Vix3n Vix3n
26-30, F
Jul 21, 2010