My Husband

For 18 months, I watched my husband die.  Many times I prayed it would end quickly, then felt guilty for wanting that.  Mostly for my sake..I didn't like him anymore, but I did love him.  Our marriage wasn't great, and I was considering leaving..then he got sick and I couldn't.   How sad is that?  When he needed me the most, I couldn't be there....he wasn't there for me most of our married life, so it figures.  But still, a person should still have enough compassion for another human being to WANT to care.....I tried.  I worked up until the day he died.  My mother came to help and I wanted her to be there so I wouldn't have to.  I still feel guilt for having put her thru that.  But when he died, I was with him.  And I felt sadness, such a loss....for what could have been, for how sad and devastated I COULD have been, if only....I felt his pulse until it stopped...and tried to close his eyes, but couldn't.   Then I felt relief that it was all over and I could start living again.

okrafan okrafan
46-50, F
1 Response Aug 19, 2007

:) are you reading because you're 'feeling bored'?? just struck me funny that you're feeling bored, but reading stories about death..... not being critical, just interesting....<br />
and yes, I guess my story can be confusing. What I meant was when he was diagnosed, it was during the time I was considering leaving him....and then, well after 14 yrs together and children, how can you leave someone when they've just been told they're dying? I am a christian, and morally I felt I had to stay. I know, it's sort of illogical, but that's just what was happening to me at the time. When I said I wasn't 'there for him', I was speaking emotionally. After so many years of mental abuse, repression and condescension, a person can become very detached to with them, but not 'for' them. I could not give him the emotional support he needed at the time. And yes, I do wish we could have come to some type of peace with each other. that is the totally sad part. I was told that he felt he came to peace with God, and I carry that hope with me.<br />
And thanks for the reminder about my mother. I do let her know, as much as I can, how much I appreciate her. Even if she hadn't done this for me, my mother is a saint...the best mother anyone could ever have...I love her dearly, and know that when she passes, I will feel that devastation that I didn't feel with my husband.. <br />
thanks for your comments. This little blog , I think, is going to be a help for me! :)