My Personal Disaster, As It Stands

This is a long story, so if you want to pass it by, go ahead it's ok. If you take the time to read it, thanks in advance.

So, I guess I'll just start with my life in a nutshell. I have two half sisters and one older sister; she's four years older than me. My half sisters are from my dads first marriage, I only know one of them at all. We text. The rest of my family live in California and the east coast.

When I was young, my dad cheated on my mom with a woman he worked with, and their marriage -- which was already poor -- fell apart. They divorced, and lived stuck in our house not speaking for years, trying to sell our house. Finally it sold, and I lived half and half with my dad and mom. I was 14 then.

My mom had always demonstrated behavior that left me distrusting and maybe even hateful. She is a smart woman, very loving, a good Christian, and a pretty good mom. She has a little hidden monster though. She can make up a lie and believe it if the truth doesn't suit her, and forget the truth just as easily. She holds onto grudges and pain from the past like she'll die without it. She can be hypocritical as hell to. For years she'd come home after a bad day and take it out on her family. She would rage uncontrolled and scream at me over stupid things. Once she screamed at me over a gold belt she lost thinking i stole it; another time after the divorce she screamed for over an hour at me over a bratwurst thinking I'd secretly given it to my dad. She'd break down crying and I'd have no choice but to comfort her. I couldn't even hint about my dad in any way or she'd break down. These behaviors made me unsympathetic towards her for years, and I relied on my dad for comfort and sanity.

My whole life my dad had never really been a bother to me, it was easy to trust him, love him, and be close to him. I could go to him for sympathy from my mom's wacko-ness, or my sister's; i could tell him about my day, anything. It went that way for a while. I loved my dad and went to him for my needs, and I put up with my mom for only a little bit of love.

My sister left home by then, she dropped out of high school with a few weeks to go, got in with kids who ruined her credit and left her in debt, and screwed her life. I rarely saw her until I was graduated. She went through multiple sex partners and got hpv which lead to cervical cancer, which she fortunately caught early and survived with little treatment required. She started chain smoking. She ended up marrying her longtime boyfriend for insurance, desperately needing dental to fix her destroyed teeth. She moved around the city alot, slowly working off her debt.

I lived between my parents. I dressed like a goth, not because I was a bad kid, I just liked gothic style. I wore high end tripp pants and shopped at hot topic; I'll be the first to admit I have expensive taste. I used to mend my clothes and wait patiently for christmas and birthday to ask for almost anything I needed, mostly clothes. All i otherwise needed was a music player, internet access and a scooter to ride around and I was happy. I was friends mostly with my teachers, I made very few friends my age. I was bullied bad as a kid, so i dressed gothic to scare off jerks, and made friends with more mature people who were wise to that fact. I was a good student, very art focused, and I graduated high honors. I stayed permanent with my dad after that, since i was 18. I was accepted into a prestigious art school with several scholarships on my grades and portfolio. I flew across the country (away from my family) to go to school. Things seemed to be becoming good. That's where my problems picked up though.

By then, my dad was married to the woman he'd cheated on my mom with. I didn't care really, she got along with me ok. My mom had actually gotten better too. Before i left for school, my grandma gave me a check for 15 grand she'd been saving for me. Since my dad was keeping an eye on my school fees, i set it up in a joint account so he could help me pay for fees if they came up and I wasn't aware, but also to help me watch my spending. In a move, our washer and dryer were damaged, so i loaned him some to buy new ones (after all, i needed them too.) No big deal yet.

I arrived at my dorm in a new city and state. I had two roommates. They both seemed nice at first. I had a hard time making friends though, i was mostly alone. One roommate was a horror and kept me almost constantly driven out of the dorm. I was hugely successful in class, but i was overqualified because i'd had more serious instruction (some kids had never had an art class before, my school offered many) so i was under challenged, and kind of disliked. School costs chewed up alot of my money, and I spent alot on stupid stuff, not having had money before. Alone and bored and low on confidence, i got terribly depressed. Then it got worse.

My dad did nothing to warn me about over spending. He had a great time dipping in and stealing my money though. First he took 2400 for rent he couldn't pay; he didn't tell me, just took it, and then waived it off like nothing. Keep in mind he and my stepmother were working average jobs at the time, and renting a house. Then, when extra loan money from school went to him he didn't pay me back, he blew through it. He took more for various things, never asking, never repaying, never apologizing. I told him i badly needed to come home for spring break because I was miserable, he said we'd work it out. He then turned around and took 500 for my plane flight without asking or telling me that was his plan. I texted him asking to talk the next time he was comfortable and ready, and he didn't even do that. He yelled at me for expecting him to buy my plane ticket after blowing my money like I had, and that that would be "rewarding that poor behavior". All i was gonna ask him to do was not take money without asking me all the time, just tell me. He made it all my fault, brought up things that made no sense. He even threatened to call the cops on me because i didn't answer my phone fast enough; it's battery was dying, i was afraid the call would drop. After breaking down and giving in to his bullshit in tears while rewriting a 25 page paper i wasn't happy with, he made all nice and sweet and forgive-and-forget.

I chose to leave art school after the year and switch to nursing. I was really horrendously screwed up by my roommate and my dad and the loneliness all year. My mom drove me home; we made it a little road trip, which my stupid crazy depression screwed up frequently. I got home to my dad, completely distrusting and disillusioned. I couldn't find a job for 9 months. My dad was unemployed and my stepmother was working two jobs to support us. I felt like a failure, and I didn't really recover right away.

I let my room get dirty all the time, and I was antisocial. My dad left a note outside my door guilt tripping me and threatening to make me move out for not cleaning my room ; he had never even come to me previously about it. My mom made big changes and became the strength in my life.

Come the holidays, i git a job working minimum wage in a supermarket and started prerequisite for nursing. My dad started getting a paralegal certification at the same time. I had no car or license, and I had a worn out shabby wardrobe i desperately needed to replace. My parents cheap unhealthy food made me sick so i spent a little on my own. My tiny paychecks went fast, but it was need based, and it was my money anyway. I did ok, but poorer than normal that semester from the depression and edgy feelings. I bought myself a tiny christmas since my family wasn't celebrating, and got school related birthday gifts.

The day after christmas, my dad blew up on me over a stupid facebook post. He somehow even dared be angry that i wanted to save my money for a proper computer (my laptop isn't in great shape) and not donate gas money to be driven to work and school, which he never asked for, nor could I afford otherwise. I decided to leave and move in with my mom. I ended up not leaving. My dad and stepmother defused the situation until we weren't screaming anymore. They basically ganged up on me and manipulated me into believing them (at least they thought they did, i'm not stupid). My sister fought hard to pursued me to go to my moms for just one night so I could be on 'neutral ground' to think about it.

Lemme digress for a moment about my sister. She is extremely self centered, self righteous, and controlling. She dropped out of school, piled up debt, disowned and criminalized my dad, and married a man who can't support her hardly at all for anything. She used to be a fantastic student like me, a leader and extremely smart. She got confused and angry after the divorce, made poor decisions and got hurt for it. Now, because she's always been the smartest, the leader, the big sister -- she doesn't know how not to be so she's aggressive and always right even when she's wrong. She uses me to indirectly get back at my dad, and controls me because she can't control anything else in her life. She thinks that the only way to validate her mistakes is to 'save' me from the same fate, which doesn't work. She treats me stupid and invalidates my opinion for existing because i'm younger and she's always right.

So, when this big fight happened, going to my moms house was neither neutral ground, nor the right thing to do. I didn't really achieve success that night in any way but coming back the next day wouldn't have made it easier to deal with my parents over that night. I wasn't going to let her make my decision for me, or bully and manipulate me into seeing her bizarre way. I had to stay.

Fast forward to now, i'm still living tentatively with my dad and stepmother. I constantly feel afraid of them, that they'll blow up again and I'll have to leave. My crazy sister is pregnant, living with my mom with her husband barely getting by as it is, and being the selfish idiot ***** still with a better excuse now. My mom is the only sane one here and she's only recently sane.

I'm very messed up right now. The potential ulterior motives my family members have make it so I cannot trust what any of them say, they're all against each other and I'm the damned 'prize'. I can't even trust myself because they all whisper so sneaky into my ear and convince me i'm things that i'm not. I barely trust passing this all on to you because its my mouth it's coming from and I don't trust me. I'm essentially too broke to move out on my own; i can't get hired anywhere with decent pay at my age. I'll need to save up boatloads of money for nursing school too and i'd have a hard time saving enough paying full living expenses. I would clash again with my dad for even trying it if i could, he wants to control me. I'm also partly afraid of what would happen to him if i left; i'm the only one of his kids who hasn't bailed on him. I don't want to move in with my mom, as great as she is my crazy sister is there, and i don't want the broken fouled up relationship disaster with my dad; he sucks but i love him, i just need him out of control of me. I'm just so torn up and alone feeling. I have some friends, but they can't do anything to help me, they're still young and unstable too. I can't stand up to my dad, he's like my sister, always right, and i don't want to destroy our relationship. I don't want him to have to explain to people why his daughters all left him; i don't want to explain to my kids why their grandpa isn't in their life; i don't want to set the example that giving up is ok. I feel so trapped and only my mom even gives a damn how i'm really feeling and hurting. I get treated like **** by my sister. My dad controls me because i'm not stable enough to support myself enough to avoid it, and he's so damned temperamental i can hardly work with him. My stepmother owns me by proxy because she pays for me to live. I just don't know what to do.

I just want somebody to care, i wish i had somebody who could back me up enough to not be beaten down by my family members. I wish i could be self sufficient and have control over my life choices. I wish I felt confident enough in my own abilities to make decisions that work. I just want a little sympathy, a little love, some support that can make a difference. Just thanks for caring enough to read. I just can't sit in silence anymore.
ivegotbabyfish ivegotbabyfish
18-21, F
Jan 8, 2013