Dear ----,

I am writing to express my confused feelings about our relationship. I know we have gone through a lot in the past two years and we have both felt like there was no hope for our relationship to rise again. We decided to try again, and failed, and here we are trying again. Is it worth it? Are we just wasting our time? I do not know. I know one thing for sure; I cannot give up on you. I am always drawn back to you every time we break up. This time that I am back, I am making so much effort and I wish you could see it. Despite the majority of people who are close to me being against our relationship, I am still here with you. I am aware that we are not technically in a ‘relationship’ and we are not friends either, which makes everything all so confusing.

I have made mistakes in the past and so have you. This time I am paying for my mistakes as you had once. Gaining your trust again is a challenge I am willing to take. You had told me that you are ‘testing me’ to see if you can give me a second chance back into your life. It is like a trial period. But I can sense that you do not want to be in a relationship any time soon, or even in a few years time, especially with the one who broke your trust. This feeling of mine provokes a thought process which I have been trying so hard to avoid, am I wasting my time?

What has been hurting me the most recently is that I am being tested as a faithful lover but I am expected not to act as a lover or be too suspicious. You say ‘we ain’t even dating’ as a way to block all feelings which may come into play. One thing which hurt me the most was the fact you added a girl on facebook ‘just in case’ we don’t work out. How can you expect me to meet your faithful lover expectations if you’re out there searching for someone else? Do you know how **** that made me feel? I am trying to give you my all and it seems like you don’t even see it, or give a ****. Do you have no faith in me? Do you have no faith in us? I cannot just force myself to be faithful without there being love. I have feelings for you that is why I am trying to keep you happy and when I suddenly have expectations from you which led to disappointment when you stopped chatting to me, I hear ‘we aren’t dating anyway’.

Sometimes I wonder do you love me. Is it all for companionship? You told me that you have feelings for me but they are less than the first time we went out. Deep inside my heart, something tells me you do not love me. I have felt love before, and it is nothing like what you have expressed. I do not know whether I am wrong in this, but from what you have conveyed from your words and actions have made me come to this conclusion. Maybe you are just bad with expressing yourself? You had told me before that you want a girl that understands you, keeps you happy and takes care of your mother, I feel like I meet those criterias. But I have noticed you have never asked me what I look for in a guy. I have never told you what kind of guy I want. I will tell you now. I want a guy who’s adventurous like me, crazy, funny, a strong mindset, carefree, always makes me laugh, does everything and anything he can to see me happy, takes every opportunity to come see me, buys me cheap gifts (anything makes me happy, the thought counts), buys me flowers, plans dates, takes the lead, someone I can look up to, protects me, is there for me, tries to make me feel better if I am upset and most importantly, loves me with his whole heart and appreciates who I am.

I am not being bigheaded, but I have friends who have told me I am pretty, I might be short, but they find me cute. I sincerely feel that you do not see what others see in me. I feel so insecure around you. This insecurity has increased because you used to look at other girls, my height bothered you before (maybe just a little, do not lie that it did not), you added several girls on instagram and liked their pictures (especially the ones with cleavages showing), my cousin incident, and you added other girls on facebook. I wish I was the only one you admired in your life, not for the way I look but for my personality. I want to be loved to the fullest, is that too much to ask?

Do you know what course I study? Did you know I had an interview on Tuesday at 10am; it was a big deal for me, as it would have been for you if you had a job interview. Yet on your break, 11am, you did not ask how it went, I wanted to tell you later about it, but I saw no point because you did not really care. Would a person who loves me not want to know every single detail of my life? Does your heart also skip a beat when we unexpectedly see each other somewhere? Do you also get really happy to see me? Do you also want to use every opportunity you get to see me? It hurts me to say this, but I feel like you do not. Why do I feel like this? Have you given me hints or reasons to think like this? Yes. Will this ever change? I doubt it.

Knowing you do not love as much as I love you is a terrible feeling. I might be trying to gain back that trust, but will I ever gain back that love? I highly doubt it. It feels as if we are in a contract where we are testing each other’s faithfulness and if we succeed, it is a go ahead for the next step. But it is not only about being faithful, there has to be love or all of this is pointless because sooner or later one of us is going to do something stupid. I do not want to make the biggest mistake of my life by settling for less. That is what I am afraid of the most. Settling for someone who does not love me in the way that I want him to love me will only bring me pain. This will end our relationship faster than the time we spent to actually work for it.

This all goes back to my confused feelings about us. I might be trying so hard to get you back with me but you do not even love me. Why am I doing this to myself? You say you have feelings for me, a feeling that you get when you lose your iPhone and all your data and effort goes to waste, you miss it for a few days until you get over it eventually and buy a new phone. Maybe I am extremely wrong about everything I am saying, maybe you do love me, so then why do I feel as if you do not? I don’t think I will ever get you to love me no matter how much I tried. I really did try. Should I give up? Or is there hope? Will these little things keep on hurting me till the end, or will there be a change? Here I am texting to you normally every day, will you only miss me when I am gone? Or do you also miss me now that we have not met for two weeks? I will be honest, I wanted to see you so bad on your day off, I missed you, but you spent it with your mates. I should be understanding, ‘bros before hoes’ after all. It is so annoying how I miss you so much, and you do not miss me. I am looking for that one who will do everything to see me happy and love me to the fullest, is that too much to ask?

Yours sincerely,
ILoveYouVeryMuch ILoveYouVeryMuch
22-25, F
Aug 18, 2014