Later On, They Make Me Facepalm

I don't do this often, usually only when I'm really upset about something, and I just want to get it off my chest. They are overly dramatic, angsty, and just purely ridiculous. Yet it helps.

This thing I wrote few years ago. For no specific reason, I haven't deleted it. A friend of mine had said that we won't talk to each other ever again. No one had ever said me anything like that before, and I was a bit depressed. She started talking to me two weeks after that as if nothing had happened. xD

Good to be a teenage girl.

"I screwed up again.

You'd think I would have gotten used to the feeling of loss over all these years. I thought so myself. Still, the knowledge that this time it is real, this time you really are not coming back brings those hated tears up to my eyes once again.

I look for the apologize inside of me, rummaging through all the corners of my heart. Still, I cannot find it. I'm sorry merely for myself. Me, being my cold and aloof self, can't reach out for you or vocalize my feelings. How could I? I don't know them myself.

You are walking away.

I always knew it would happen some day. I have never been able to hold on to people, no matter how close. The others probably think that I don't care. Yet I do, but I have lost the ability to communicate it, if I ever even had one. All that is left of my deeper caring, my love so to say, are tear stains on my cheeks and an unspeakable feeling inside of my chest.

I guess I will never truly change.

In one thing you were wrong. You said there is no such thing as destiny. Yet there is, and I feel it's hands closing around my throat once again. But I cannot complain, cause this pain is self inflicted. I am building this cage with my own hands. This is the road that I cannot sway away from.

I know your choice to leave me once and for all was the right one. I have nothing to offer for you, maybe nothing to offer for anyone. Ever. These thoughts are making my tears overflow. I cannot stop them. Maybe it's better this way, to cry it now, so I can face tomorrow with my head held high, with arrogance that is expected of me.

I have to keep going. Ending this all now would not only be stupid and reckless, it would be cowardice. Didn't you hate cowards? Not that it would matter anymore. I won't be seeing you again.

What to do now? How can I keep going forward?

I know that already. Nothing will change. I will keep on living on my life, pretending not to see you. And at the same time I'm so very sorry for what has been lost.

Whatever you will decide to do in your life, I will give my best wishes. Even if you will never see these words, even if you never get to know I truly cared.

In this fairytale I am the evil beast. The cold hearted monster who hurts all of those who come close to me. I live only on he side of others, feeding myself with their life force.

And it's true. That's why I don't want to apologize. Doing that I would be lying to you, cause I cannot change myself. I wonder, would you have befriended me all those years ago, if you knew what kind of person I was?

I miss you.

But we had fun, hadn't we? I regret nothing. And at the same time... everything.

I fee the loneliness already. It's like another person in this room with me, reminding me constantly of who I am. A bad person, that is what I am. I tried to tell you about it. I wonder, did you ever listen to me.

I hope you are not as hurt as I am. I know it's arrogant for me to think the fact of losing me would make you sad. Still... I hope you are a little bit sad. Just to the point when losing a friend. It would make me feel special.

I have dedication to not leave this world for a while. I won't kill myself. I won't.

If only repeating it would make it true. Make me strong enough to stand behind my words... but I fear I can't.

I wonder if that was all I have to say. It doesn't seem much, but I have no words inside of me anymore.

I guess I have to finally surrender. No amount of willpower will help, anyway."

... That is probably the most embarrassing thing that I have ever written. Yet it is like it says, I still haven't changed.
Fearofsilence Fearofsilence
18-21, F
Aug 12, 2010