to the Man I Wish Would Be My Full-time "daddy"

Dear Nicky


I don't think I could feel much more like an idiot.  Even before the whole, humiliating key/door-thing, I wasn't "acting right," and I know it.  It'd be easy to write the whole business off as:  "I ****** around & 'caught feelings.' "  But, it's so much deeper than that.  I'm not in love with you, Nicky.  But, DAMN!  The time I've spent with you has become a crazy source of comfot for me and I've come to crave it.  I really do miss you.


It's more than me just being lonely.  There are plenty of people in my life.  But, I enjoy the **** outta you and your company. I've spent so much time with mediocre people...when I come accross someone I actually find stimulating, I REALLY want to indulge.  Life is so ******* short and tomorrow is never promised to us.  We never know when the people important to us are gonna leave and, if I've learned nothing else in my lifetime, I've learned there ain't **** worth having or doing without someone worthwhile to share it with.  And, you don't have to marry someone to share **** with them.  Every person serves a purpose in our lives and, I've found that it's mainly so we can share different aspects of ourselves with another person....regardless of how long that someone is around.  But, while they're around, we're supposed to enjoy them, right?


I know you're a complicated man.  It's actually one of the things I appreciate SO much about you.  Everyone who knows you speaks so highly of you.  Everyone loves you, Nicky.  And, I know I'm not the first person (woman) who really wants you to be happy.  But, I'm not trying to change you or the way you live your life (if it ain't broke, why **** with it??)  All I've wantd to do is be around you.  You remind me of family and home...neither of which I've had much of. My "intentions" have merely been for the two of us to feel good.


I've acted like an "idiot" because I'm no good at following protocols.  I can never figure out what I'm "supposed" to do or how I'm "supposed" to act.  So, I just try to act honest...and be me.  According to some peoples' definitions, my responses to you (and some of my behavior) probably has me marked as some lonely ole, desperate, middle-aged psycho-***** just starving for attention.  I don't know.  But, this is precisely why I suck at following protocols.  I think too much and worry too much.  And then my head gets in the way and I end up acting like a complete REtard.  And GOD, I regret that!!!  Cuz, I always end up ruining stuff....like I fear I have now ruined your image of me.  I don't know how you see me.  But, apparently, what started out for me as something casual, has turned into something a little more valuable than just a passing phase.  I thought you enjoyed me and my company and maybe you did. Maybe you still do.  Maybe I've ruined it.  Maybe you couldn't really care less.  I guess it would be better if I didn't care one way or the other.  But, I do.  I care alot about how you see me.  I care about you.  I, in fact, have been overwhelmed with compasssion for you.  I find so much joy and satisfaction in giving you love. But, I guess I'm really beginning to interfere.  It seems like knowing that I genuinely care is some kind of burden to you.  I'd understand you feeling that way. (It sucks when you feel like you have to worry about hurting someone's feelings!!)  But, I don't want to be a burden to you!!  I like seeing you smile (it really does something for me....that smile of yours.)  I'm sorry for being a pain in your ***, if that's what I've (indeed) become.  That is SO not-cool! 


I do need love and guidance and strong, male energy in my life, though.  And, you have really hit the spot!!!  You talk about yourself like you're SO ****** up and hard to handle and "that's why you're alone...." and, you are hard as **** to "handle" sometimes.  But, I've found you to be exceptionally worthwhile.  I LOVE that you're so "****** up."  It means that you're human and, that....just....feels so....real and it turns me on like ******* crazy!!!  And, as "****** up" as you're supposed to be, it seems you leave an indellibly strong and positive impression on everyone you meet.  I SO love that about you.  Just knowing you in this way has made me feel better.....and that's part of the reason I find you so worthwhile.  It's why I don't hesitate to move when you ask me to; it's why I really don't mind that you don't do 1/2 the **** you say you will or that you talk outta the side of your neck 90% of the time.  I know TONS of different people...I've been a few places and have tried some different things.  Life is interesting as ****, if you're open and pay attention.  And, so are people.  But, people are alot like ice cream flavors...and, usually what you seem to get the most of is a bunch of neopolitan BULLshit and, after a while, you can't even tell anymore if you've scooped a spoonful of chocolate, vanilla or strawberry....it all winds up tasting the same.  BUT!!! Every once in a while, you get some mint chocolate chip!  And, that **** tastes so good!  It really hits the spot!!


I like what you "do" to me.....for me.


I understand that the only way I can get to the mint chocolate chip is through pelting rain and sleet and mean forests but, when that crazy green **** hits my lips and slides down my throat....all cold and minty?!?!  It was worth all the cuts and bruises along the way.  It's worth it.  You're worth it.


I realize you may have a hard time accepting all this (if you even give a ****.)  But, it's the truth.  Mint chocolate chip really is my favorite ice cream and, if I know it's on the other side of some bullshit, I'd walk through it to taste some. But, what's the point of braving the storm if there's no ice cream on the other side???


Since I've only recently started dealing with you, there are a lot of things I don't know. I don't know if you want me to be around at all...especially now.  I don't know how you deal with people (particularly, women that you have sex with.)  You couldda really enjoyed me for the moment and, now the moment is simply passing.  So, what would the point be in my continually reaching for you?  If I knew that you wanted me (in your own, "Nicky-way") I don't think I'd ever stop reaching, though!!


I realize you likely haven't given any of this the same thought or consideration.  Most people don't think about stuff the way I do (and, most people definitely don't see **** the way I do.)  This letter may do nothing more than validate to you that I'm "crazy."  But, it was on my heart and in my gutt to write it and, I always make it a point to listen to both of those things.


xo

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
1 Response Oct 24, 2006

Never seen such beautiful, deep poetry about ice cream!lol. This was a good (all be it somewhat CRAZY) write, mystic