My Heart Has No Address

My beautiful child,
While it's true I will never feel the spark of your creation or experience you growing in my body, I do, in fact, know you.  I have known you as long as I can remember.  You are the child I have always wanted, the child that would come from me.  I always knew in my heart that you would be a girl...dark curls of hair, beautiful dark eyes, a perfect mouth with ruby red lips and drawn into a bow.  I have felt my hand in yours, traced every curve of your beautiful ears.  I know each little toe on your smooth, sweet feet and have counted them over and over again just to be sure.  I have seen your first smile and it melted my heart; spent countless hours holding you in my arms, rocking you to sleep.  I have even seen you take your first step, say your first word.  What a magical moment.  When you started your first day of school your excitement was matched only by my anxiety and you returned home with wonderful stories of activities and all the new friends you made.  You are an amazing child with an insurmountable capacity for love and it shows in everything you say and do. I will be the first to admit that you are not perfect.  You are strong-willed and stubborn in your independence which has caused friction between the two of us.  But in the end, and most importantly, you know that I love you unconditionally and eternally and I know that you are growing into an amazing young girl with unlimited possibilities.  You have grown so quickly, in the blink of an eye it seems.  I can recall your first date, passing your driver's test, your first summer job, graduation...I can also recall the feeling like you didn't need me anymore as you drove away to start your new college adventure.  And then the feeling of joy when you called to tell me you were there and wished I was with you.
I share these imagined memories for only one reason my daughter...I have held you in my heart my entire life and will continue to do so until my last breath.  I would have given my life to have had this experience with you but God has placed me on a different path.  A path that I know is perfect.  It is perfect because no matter where it leads, you will remain in my heart and I will never have to let you go.  Please remember that I will love you always and when I close my eyes  I will see your smile.  And when I look skyward I will know that you are in the breeze, in the clouds, in the stars; where ever I go you will be with me.
I love you my sweet angel

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7 Responses Aug 2, 2011

I love your story... I haven't had a child yet and will not be able to for a couple years (I will start chemo soon) and I have a little girl and boy in my heart that I am hoping I will someday meet too. I thought I was alone in this... but now I know I'm not. I want children more than anything. Thank you so much for sharing.

You know I never lie to you. It will hurt forever--most dreams unfulfilled do. But it will hurt less and less with time. I hope your healing comes with an understanding that you are not defined by your pain. It is a part of you, that yearning--but it is not who you are.<br />
Who you are, as far as I can tell, is a vibrant, beautiful, loving woman. You just need to find an outlet for all that positive energy that is at the heart of you. <br />
I adore you and I am here for you if you ever want to talk. You know I understand.

I think it is a healthy and beautiful thing to write like this. <br />
One time during my period of infertility, when we were trying and after years of disappointment, someone said something to me that always stayed with me. They said that with every child you have, either real or imagined (because I always convinced myself I was pregnant--every week of every month for 9 years) that your heart grows a little, it expands to accommodate the soul of a child, a child unborn, unrealized. We have certain instincts as women that make us capable of loving a child that we have never given birth too, the child of our dreams. Those children are real because they are a part of us. <br />
This may sound stupid, but I was so convinced that I was meant to be a mother that I used to imagine myself a mother to children in heaven who were motherless. I used to imagine that in another life, like some kind of St Francis of Assisi, that they would flock to me, and I would love them all. Maybe it was a story I told myself, like yours here, because I felt them in my heart so strongly. <br />
You know I wound up adopting, but that never changed that dream, that there were still others waiting for me in another time and place. I just never expressed it as beautifully as you did here. This story is like one long poem, or song of love to a child yet met. <br />
It is profound.

I can relate to this story very much .. :(

:) I'm crying. Doesn't seem fair....

WOW! What a beautiful story from a beautiful heart! I LOVED it.