Just Fill In The Blank

They say the second year is worse than the first in the grieving process. I can understand why although I never believed that I was grieving you. I was sad because you left the boy. I was sad because you couldn't find enough reason to come out of your funk. I was sad because you lack motivation leaving it all to me. I was angry Lumpy. I was hurt. I hurt terribly. I was lonely. You left me alone and I didn't deserve to be there. You left me so alone that I went elsewhere to find approval, friendship and love. I wanted to tell you. I hated having a lie and being deceitful. I can honestly say I'm not sure if I wanted to tell you to hurt you, or because I destroyed my integrity by having an affair. My integrity was important to me and I've had a terrible time forgiving myself.

I read a story here and the writer doesn't welcome me, which is fair. I don't want to like her either, but I do respect her in many ways. She spoke about sharing, let me get it and place it here.  I'm not sure if I'm breaking some EP rule, but it hit home with me.  I really hope she is flattered and not angry.

"Doing stuff together is a way to keep pace with one another. I can remember when my ex and I decided that it made more sense to do things separately because we could accomplish so much more if we worked independently. That was the beginning of the end.
The couples I know who are still together are still together because they were never apart. They truly enjoy one another's company. If I would have separated when we stopped wanting to be together I could have gotten a head start on the rest of my life, on my search for someone who could love me and who truly wanted to spend time with me. I wasted a lot of time."

Lumpy, she is right and it made me think about our marriage. You left long before you died. You retreated to protect yourself from embarrassment about your history. No one but you cared because it was your integrity. See where I'm going? I'm trying to find a way back to my integrity. I know I can't get back what I had, but I need to learn to forgive myself so I can move on.

So Lumpy here it is. I had an affair when I was looking for approval, friendship and love. What I found turned out to be none of those things, but I did find passion within myself. I like life. I like love. I like loving.  He hurt me more than you did, but he sacrificed nothing and no one.  You sacrificed Stinky.

I grieve, but not for you. I grieve for the time I wasted allowing others to make me think I wasn't worthwhile and enough. You too, are on that list along too many others.

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Aug 12, 2011