The Letter I Can Never Send

Kris,

It has been two months now since we broke up and I am still as devestated as I was the first day. I think about you constantly. I always check my phone hoping you will text or call me. Everytime something happens in my life, you are still the first person I want to tell. Still being in love with you is taking its toll on me in more ways than you could even know but as much as I still love you, I also hate you and what you have done to me. I know you went through alot but you seem to forget that I was right beside you the whole time, that even though I wasnt experiencing it first hand, I still had to watch the person I love fall apart and it hurt. I watched you turn into a person that both of us didnt like and it scared me because I knew I had lost you. You promised that you would be normal again, that you still loved me like you always had but you didnt, did you? Thats what hurts the most, not knowing if the love you said you had and still have for me is real or just words. I know that its usually the people you love the most that you hurt you the most but you promised me you wouldnt! Now I am more than hurt, I feel like Im dying without you. I dread waking up every morning without you. Its like Im in a hole trying to dig myself out but I dont have the strength. I have no drive to do anything. I walk around as the undead do, not caring about anything. I am zombified except for my mind. I am constantly replaying memories, things you have said. Every thought about you consumes me and is slowly killing me. How can you move on so fast? After 5 years and everything we went through I just dont mean anything to you anymore? I told you I'm glad you moved on and that I want you to be happy but thats not true. I dont want you happy unless its with me, I want you to feel the pain Im feeling, even if its only a small amount. I know that sounds awful and makes me a bad person but I cant help it.

I know I have to move on, Im not stupid but part of me doesnt want to, part of me wants you to realize I was and still am worth fighting for. I know thats not going to happen. So day by day, month by month I will slowly heal and get over you and when the time comes when you realize what a huge mistake you made I wont be there and you will have to live with it. You will realize that no one will ever compare to me and I will realize you werent as great as I once thought. Now the only thing left I have to say to you is goodbye.

Stars889 Stars889
22-25, F
1 Response Nov 27, 2012

I like this letter... I know how you feel.