How I Wish I'd Told Him This Instead of the Constant Mumbo-jumbo I Emailed Him
Thing is, we both failed at words.
Except I was a fifteen-year-old girl in love for the first time and you had come with the idea that you could teach us something. I’m not going to speak of how you did or didn’t prove yourself as the bigger man, though. This is about what I didn’t know how to say when it seemed I was wasting my breath. This is about how I felt (feel) in response to what happened.
I regret not having been properly prepared, not knowing what to do, and following a crazy girl's advice because I didn't know better, felt freaked out at the thought that you'd be gone in such a short time, and it was what I wanted to hear. I regret being obsessed with the fact that you were leaving, and trying to force and rush things with you that I should have known were never going to happen. I'm sorry that, looking back, I'm afraid I was indeed a form of support for you, UNTIL I told you I was in love with you. I regret not having known how serious that was and that "love conquers all" sometimes just isn't the most loving approach. I am sorry that, even when I tried, I couldn't help it that I always came around you because I knew I didn't have much time left. I regret telling you I was in love with you. I regret constantly emailing you all that mambo-jumbo because I've never known quite the right things to say. I'm sorry I made you feel uncomfortable, frustrated, and scared. I'm sorry that, though I really cared about you, in the end I was much more of a burden than my classmates, for a longer time. I regret not having closure with you and I regret that our one-sided goodbye was far from the good relationship we could have had. I regret not having been thoughtful enough and considerate enough of your feelings, though I really did my best. I am deeply sorry for everything. I recall my chest would literally ache when you looked sad, I found myself physically unable to breathe at the thought that I had upset you. Because I honestly felt with you- you, the special axis that kept my life together. If I could go back in time I wouldn't change anything in my life, but if we met again I would tell you this and be different. I regret that I will likely never be able to tell you this. I regret that I probably need this apology more than you do. You will not see this, but someday, somehow - please, please forgive me.
You noticed how they were treating me, not very differently from how they treated you; you must have heard my silence, not very different from your own. Except one day you just walked out and never came back, while I couldn’t have gotten away with such a thing. That night, I texted you in an attempt to provide some support... (has it ever occurred to you how much I needed that kind of support from you, too?). You seemed to treat me as an equal more than my equals did, you gave me the perfect reason I needed to wake up in the morning, battle the frost to school, bullied for six hours a day, and still consider myself happy, keep my sanity, look forward to the next week. I don’t know if you will ever comprehend just how huge that is, what an impact you’ve had on my life.
I loved you for what I saw in you and what I saw in you was the opposite of your last email. Unlike in logic, though, the two don’t necessarily have to exclude each other; took me years to learn and accept that.
Point being, I do not know you. I can’t still believe you are the funny, understanding, forgiving, kind man I perceived, but I have also made peace with the idea that an episode of angry outburst, no matter how hurtful for me, does not have to represent one’s personality.
Similarly, you do not know me. You don’t know the long hours wondering what I should do and the courage it took to do what I did. You threw a bunch of pejoratives at me because you never asked why or just listened to me (thus didn’t even see my actual flaws).
Yet, years later, I can still say I truly loved you and I can still say that in those years of waiting for you I was empty like bamboo.
Then, when you told what you wished to tell, you clearly shut me out without the right to reply, because I have found more important things in my life. You are no longer my axis so I couldn’t risk it all just to tell you these. Plus, I’m going to let you in on a little secret, which might bring you some malicious satisfaction but I don’t care anymore – I was scared. Very, very scared to lose it all for someone that had ceased to be THE only one. More so because I am inexperienced in such things and get scared easily.
I do, however, unrealistically hope you will read this. I’ve recently discovered that I cannot truly get over this unless I know you’ve heard me, too. I wouldn’t have minded being just friends and, in fact, I wouldn’t have minded being just acquaintances. You had promised to keep in touch when I had almost-braced myself for a refuse. Then, you just vanished - no explaining me what those words meant to you. The first time you asked me to stop trying to contact you, I did; the first time you asked was also full of insults and threats, from someone I trusted and respected. Even though to get what you want, there was no need to tear up my excuse for self-esteem, barely there in the first place. I yearn to apologize to you, and yet you have also made me feel hurt, insignificant, fallen apart, as if I were a piece of trash to be gotten rid of.
Now, it feels like I miss you. I reminisce about you and get nostalgic - but this is not it. I have been here before and I know that, deep down, it is neither melancholy nor longing. I wish to tell you all the above one day. I would like you to apologize, too. I would admit to my mistakes. & we would make peace for once.
I need closure.