Dear: a Friend With Benefits.....

     I’m just gonna be brutally honest right now, for the record only, at this point, because I don’t know when or if I’ll actually give you this letter:


     From the bottom of my heart, I love you.  I always have.  But, it was never a love that made me want to possess you.  It was like I always knew that I would have to love you from a distance and that was okay with me.  It may have been one of the things that always made you so appealing to me.  Still, it always surprises me that I’ve never daydreamed about us falling in love with each other or becoming a “couple.”  I mean, that’s my MO: to tell stories in my head.  (Seriously, I love a dramatic story.)  And, it would’ve been suitable, too, for me to tell myself those types of “love stories” about you.  After all, as quiet as it’s kept, that’s all I’ve ever been after with you.  You’ve got a LOT of love.  It’s all over you.  It’s easy to love you for that reason, mainly.  But, I don’t know…it’s just always been different with you, somehow.  I haven’t loved you the same way as I’ve loved most of the men in my life.  I never really thought of you as “boyfriend-material,” but that fact never tainted my desire for you.  It’s always been really weird and difficult to explain.  Hell, it took me a million years to be able to explain it to myself!  I don’t know, I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we seem to be seeking similar **** in each other and, for the most part, that **** has worked out…you know what I mean…the whole “pickin-up-and-puttin-down-thing.”  (True, there’s been a whole bunch of bullshit but, as far as I’m concerned, we’ve been playing with fire all these years and, all things considered, we’ve managed not to burn **** up.  What I mean is, all the conflicts and difficulties we’ve had, as far as I’m concerned, have ALWAYS only been symptoms of something else…it’s only “just the nature of the beast.”  Or, “play with fire, you’ll get burnt.”  So we made OUT managing not to start any forest fires!  And, just a few little scars on our skin?!?)


     But, we’re both a lot older now and, things change, right?  I mean, I feel so much friggin closer to you now and I believe a lot of it is because of our maturity (as compared to how mature we were ten years ago!)  The bottom line is that I’ve found myself feeling some stuff; responding to you in ways that I’ve never imagined I would (or would want to.)   I mean, when you first started really “changing,” I didn’t trust it at ALL!  I just knew it was some kind of challenge-game for you and, that once you’d won, you’d stop pursuing me.  Cuz, you were pursuing me!  You have been, actually, for a while.  Once I got over the initial disbelief that that’s what you were doing; once a good hunk of time had passed and you remained pretty much consistent with it…..??  Wow.  I didn’t know it was gonna feel so good…that you were gonna feel so good.  I especially didn’t know that I wouldn’t have the slightest desire to run from it!  I didn’t think “stickability” was an idea that would ever go along with me in your head.  But, you’ve actually managed to earn some of my trust.   Holy ****!  I just stopped and read this paragraph…it sounds like I’m about to tell you I’m falling in love with you, or something!  That can’t be it.  But, truthfully, F***K, I don’t know.  It’s not a big, humongous deal.  But, I know that’s how it seems and - See, that’s why I don’t know when or if I’ll give you this letter.  Because doing so (at any given point) could be grounds for losing what little contact I have with you.  And, I say “little,” not because I don’t appreciate and/or understand all the circumstances and people involved but because it is SO little, compared to all that I’m suddenly wanting.  I mean, it’s not like I’m picturing myself in a wedding gown, or even living under the same roof with you.  I just want to experience you…in unrestricted ways….freely.  I want to go places with you, play together, laugh and feel good….enjoying each other’s company.  I want to have sex with you, in broad daylight, in the middle of a hot and humid field, with sweat pasting my hair to my temples and my skirt wrapped up over my neck.  I mean, let’s be honest:  I’m a grown woman.  I love sex and I’ve got something to work with.  But, if we’re gonna be completely honest:  it’s never been just about sex for me with you.  For you, either.  I mean, while neither of us has ever responded to each other like, “You’re the one,” it always has been spiritual.   And, since I’m older, I appreciate that a LOT more.  That’s the simplest way to put it.  But, there’s so much more to it than that.


   Before I moved out of          ;s house (two years ago), I made a very intentional phone call to you and asked you a very specific question:  “Are you interested in and/or willing to explore something different between us than what we have always done?”  I took it a step further by explaining to you that, if I were ever not with         , you’re the only other man I would be interested in being involved with.  Well, damned if you didn’t go and get in a relationship right after that!  Not that you did it on purpose…I’m just saying…of all the luck and ****** timing!


     Honestly, I’m glad our involvement has always been so limited, probably especially since I moved out of         house.  I’ve had a lot of stuff to work out.  That takes a lot of time.  Who can pay enough attention to themselves when they’re all involved with someone else??  But, now that I’ve gotten a good portion of work out of the way, I have a lot more time to pay attention and, frankly, I’d be an idiot not to pay attention to you.  I’d forgotten years ago, about all the things that initially attracted me to you…your intellect and personality; character, strength, sensitivity and sense of humor…  And, let’s face it; the kind of chemistry between us ain’t no everyday occurrence with people.  Period.  But, it’s been forever since I indulged in any of that "you-stuff."  You became something different to me, somewhere along the line.  I left all that attraction on the side of the road somewhere back in the day.  That’s what it feels like, now.  Like, I’m returning to that stuff, now, and am re-discovering it all over again.  Only, it’s even more satisfying and stimulating because you’ve grown…there’s more of you to indulge in.  And, we’ve grown…we’re not entirely afraid to love each other.


     Sometimes, I think that I could go on and on with you like this forever, dangling back and forth over a fence that’s always separating us.  But, I found myself having a sudden experience of conscience this morning…looking at your mouth.  I felt myself desiring you, wanting to give you all the      y, like it’s always had your name on it.  I keep on telling you that I always forget about the fact that you’re with      …living with      …I remember it from time to time.  I remembered it this morning while I was longing to feel your mouth all over me…and, it made me feel really bad.  Not just because we’re lying and risking hurting people; or because you feel like you’re not being true to yourself.   But, also because, in all my recent “rediscovery,” I’ve begun to believe that maybe me and you could do something new and different; something that may, in fact, be like something we would have never expected.  There’s something to build on; something that’s worth building onto…to me, anyway.  Who knows what could happen?


     Even though I’ve gotten my feelings hurt, I have grown to be deeply grateful to you for never letting me fall in love.  It lends a certain degree of safety to dealing with you; makes it easier for me to move about whatever desires I’ve ever had for you.  Like I was telling you the other day, I always pretty much know what to expect from you and what my boundaries are.  It’s always way easier for me when I know what a person expects from me.  That way, I don’t have to worry about getting my feelings hurt, unless I believe strongly enough in crossing the boundaries and I’m willing to risk rejection.  But, as long as I know what I’m dealing with, I’m capable of making informed decisions for myself and that’s usually pretty important to me.  But, I don’t know what your motives are with me.  I’ve never truly known, I don’t think.  Although I may know what to expect from you, I haven’t always known the whole story behind it all.  And, now, I guess it’s really beginning to matter a little.  I feel like I’m in a different place with you and I definitely didn’t arrive here without you; without your help.  In other words, I feel like I’ve gotten pretty good at the art of following your lead.  I’ve gotten my nose snipped off enough times to not even dare to stick it out there unless you’ve communicated to me in some kind of way that it’ll be okay.  You’ve been giving me a lot of room to swing it around, lately and, I can’t lie:  being able to reach out and touch you has definitely contributed to this growing desire for you.  I don’t want to push or pressure you in any way but, I’d really like to know…  Do you ever long for even some of the same things I have been…just, uninterrupted, free-flowing time?  Are you in love with       ?  I don’t even know.  All I know is that you’re living with her.  You must be pretty content in the situation.  You’re still there.  And, I’ve never heard you complain.  But, that could just be because you want to keep the two relationships separate.


     I don’t know why I “worry” about such things so much.  I mean, in the end, whatever happens, happens.  But, basically, I guess I just don’t want to look or feel like a fool anymore.  In a perfect, "me-world," you would read this letter and eventually respond to me with reception.  You would let down some of your guard and try spending time with me; at least once, really try letting yourself enjoy me as much as you have the capacity to.  And, you would let me do the same.  We might not ever wind up “together.”  One or both of us may wind up getting our feelings hurt.  Who knows?  But, that’s the whole point.  We don’t know.  And, I’d just like to find out what would happen if we started to really let loose on the reigns a little bit and allow ourselves to feel really good.


     But, my deepest fear sits dark and cold in the pit of my stomach:  That I will go ahead and break the barrier by bringing all this to the table and you will respond with something TOTALLY humiliating, like:  “See…it’s still the same.  You’ll never be Disney World to me, sweetheart…”  Alas, as luck would have it, the real world is nothing like the world in my head:  you’re living with a woman.  She’s a part of your family, now…at least it would seem.  At any rate, it’s not even like you’d have the freedom to respond to me the “me-way,” even if it was what you really felt.


    So, I’ll continue moving through each day without bringing any of this up…until you give me a sign that it’s okay to take that step…or until the whole situation becomes too maddening and I have to just stay away from you, or vice versa.  I’ll save it all for when we’re both naked.  I’ll give you whatever you’ll let me in whatever ways you feel comfortable….until it’s not comfortable for me anymore.


 

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
7 Responses Aug 6, 2006

OMG i love this letter..... really i do... it touched me in a way I can totally relate in my own situation... and I don't know if I could write a letter like this and let him know what i'm going through cuz I hate the fact that he's seeing other people now and have always been.... ughhhhh

I love it! I know exactly how you felt and I appreciate the humility to just write it! Add to that the fact that you gave it to him? You are my new best friend! I have emails that I just want to send to this one guy but I am afraid he would just walk away. I am very much tempted more now. Well, congratulations on your move forward! I am sorry it didn't work out but you should walk proud that you took the chance!!

Wow, just wow! This is an excellent letter and I think I may steal some of it for a letter of my own to my friend with benefits. You said it exactly as I feel it and I am just as scared. It's been 21 years for me with this friend and counting and I don't know if I'll ever get what I want, but I would love to just put it all out there, completely honestly, and at least have it off my chest. God, wouldn't it be awesome to just find someone who felt as much for you as you did for them? It must be like lightning striking.

Dear MysticWriter,<br />
This is my first time on EP, so thanks for being my very first comment. Your letter is moving; i know how you must have felt. I love someone very much... but i don't get that the feeling is mutual (theres so much..) If things dont work out... i don't think i will ever allow any man to get this close again-it just is too painful! The next one will have to jump first!!! @#$%... shouldn't love be so much more effortless?? i dunno.

he was touched....but i he never let me know until over a year later. he's a loser. i love him but he's an emotional idiot. after 10 years, i cut off contact with him not too long after i sent him this letter. it was GREAT therapy to get my feelings out there, though, regardless of the outcome...even if i would've never sent the letter to him. in this case, i really needed to send the letter, though.

This is wonderfully written! He should probably be really touched (in a good way).

ive written tons of letters i can never send. i might have to put some on here...<br />
Personally, i probly couldnt have a friend with benefits, because i want to be in love too much. but, im not you.<br />
wow. im ur first comment!