I Sent the 1st Letter!

I went ahead and sent that first letter to my "friend with benefits" today.  He hasn't responded yet, except to let me know that he rec'd it.  I don't konw what to expect.  He usually comes looking for me on Mondays.   I have no clue how he will respond.  I tested the water before I sent it.   The subject sort of came up in conversation today but, I was reluctant to speak openly about it over the phone.  He seemed interested, at least.  He didn't tell me not to send the letter (pulling punches isn't at all like him; i.e., if he didn't want it he would have told me.)  I've spent a little time trying to visualize (or fantasize) how he will respond.  But, I know full well that this may be the end of "it" with him, as I've always known it.  He'll likely run.  And, I may not still be here for him when he returns, cuz he'll likely do that, too.  He always does.  But, this, I think may be it for me.  Well, I can't honestly say that.  But, I definitely need to move on.  If he wants me he needs to speak up.  I will always love him and I can't imagine us ever NOT being in contact with each other but, I'm a one-man-woman.  There will never be any room in my life for any other man as long as I keep playing this game with him.  We'll just have to stop having sex...for good and that makes me pretty sad....since it's the only time he ever really completely gives himself to me, with no barriers.....we'll see what happens.  If he doesn't bring it up, I don't think I will.  I'm too afraid of his potential rejection of me or anything humiliating that may come out of his mouth.  I'm just too vulnerable and sensitive right now.  We don't need to talk about it, anyway, if he's not going to respond.  His lack of a response will say everything I need to know!
MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
4 Responses Aug 28, 2006

Wow, you are brave.<br />
<br />
Good luck!

Honey Bunny I think that you are being played and you are not a toy.Your feelings are real! Do you want to spend the rest of your life being his bit on the side?<br />
You are right, you need to move on.Love and light from Americano.

Yeah...thank goodness that ultimately I had enough courage to push myself. This situation has been completely resolved. It took about two years to get here. Thanks for relating!<br />
<br />
love and blessings

I've been to this place before. Standing on the edge of a precipice, looking over, waiting for the push...