Sometimes This Life Is More Confusing Than Cruel

i can't begin to understand where fun ends and lust begins. the irony is almost like this path, i get the impression that you don't want me to walk any further. i almost want to take more than one step, just to see how much i can get without wholly lusting after you. touching.kissing. you gave me too much. now do you understand?

i wonder if i should ever wait for you. i did once last year. you said i was with him, but i was never interested in him, i could just never compete with all those other girls. and i cant compete now with her. its not that i dont want to, but in yr eyes there is no competition, no comparison. my head tells me to give up but my heart won't let me. i am so scared to write this, i need you to say something, to be honest and tell the truth not just ignore me. i want everything to be beautiful, but i dont think you can do that without her? i'm such an idiot. its times like these when i wish i had never gotten attached to the words you said to me in the first place. i think it does my heart more damage than any other part of me.  inturn, i felt like nothing for such a long time. i search for a song that reminds me of the visions my head would conjure for a single metaphor that lasted three words.
wednesday nite, i don't think i've ever felt more intimidated, but comfortable all in one moment...i could get used to that. i couldn't look at you, because the emotion felt like it was overpowering me. i think my cheeks exploded into rose patches and my eyes would stare at my drink, to avoid yr sight. i never did. yr fingers on my cheek, would always return my vision to yrs, my mouth to yrs. it was like you actually wanted me, and i was left there totally succumbing, as if my body had lost every muscle. i must have been like a junkie, so weak, with every muscle aching. i can't remember ever being so helpless. it's funny how, i felt more weak and childish for not squealing then, than i did when i was twelve. i told myself last time that if this happened again i wouldnt let it, but we both know i'm not that strong, i can't get enough. i wonder what you think about when yr kissing me...or maybe i dont want to know. once i thought about yr girlfriend and thought about how lucky she is to have this...you, all the time, while all you want me for is to kiss randomly without feeling. i wonder if you remember these moments the next day? i wonder if you know what it feels like to be lied to and ignored, i guess you do because i've seen ari do it to you all the time. i am stupid. i'm sure the next time you see me you will pretend that you don't care. i am not some kind of toy. my words dont have the power to draw you to me, only to push you closer to her. just so you know, i wouldn't keep you a secret. you are so much that i cant hold it in.
i need that pure overwhelming feeling again. sex.holdinghands.scars.kisses. you have this look whenever you are worried about anything, where yr whole forehead scrunches up and i just want to smooth out every line. i want tangled sheets and sweat and my fingers tracing patterns all over yr body. i want to feel yr bones as you go to turn away, when my hand's cupped on yr hips. and i want to pull them back. jolt them in the right direction, and tell him how silly you are, to think you can get away. i have my lips to comfort you with. i want to shower you with emotion, lather you with closeness, give you everything i have left. i sometimes feel like a container with a drop of milk left. and nobody wants to finish it, so i'm never going to fill again, but noone will throw me away. its stupid. i just want to be emptied. i want you to have everything i wanted and never got. i want to kiss all the way up yr spine, from the small of yr back to the nape of yr neck. every curve. every scar. i want to feel yr hands wandering in all the places they shouldn't be.
to feel like i am not just half of a person anymore.
that's what i want.
maybe i could let go if i felt yr cheek against mine, if i had some ******* emotion in my body again.
i'm just replacing emotion with liquor.
my body will become a place to store yr poison soon.
reasoning is not important. by default, i will understand. that's okay, because all i have wanted is to see the way light looks at different shades, and what colour you say yr eyes are today.
and let's not debate about how i think pain is so beautiful, because i am terribly afraid of that. and in turn, afraid of beauty. but i can see beauty in you, so lets not debate that either. maybe there are qualities about me i could someday find beautiful, i want beauty[you] inside me. tell me everything beautiful, tell my yr secrets so i can keep that feeling in my chest. sometimes i have nothing to say to you, but,
i can understand yr heart with my hands better, anyway.
if i was so special, you'd have a space picked for me already on yr bed. i would be china doll made from the finest porcelain. and you would always tell yr visitors to never touch me, because i will break.
but i would not be an heirloom, because you have to support yr addiction [her]
and i am just another item, three dollars away from perfection.
if you dont want me, sell me.
i don't want you to make sense of me. but if you also understand by default, i want you to hold me in an autumn fall. my heart is being wrenched from my insides, and hit back so hard. it hurts.
i want to kiss like i am passionate.[i am] i want to go to sleep with you like we did that nite with our whole bodies intertwined (you probably dont remember). tyson told me that one time he watched us when we were asleep and our faces were touching and we were breathing in unison. he said it was perfect.
and i say i don't care, and you will easily believe that lie. i am good at pretending...refraining. i don't know if you mean what you say, or if it is just to please me. and yet the biggest lie of all is that i see into yr heart as it's being tugged without hands. without strings. you don't see my compassion through words. sometimes i'm left feeling so small i cannot look you in the eye, because i feel more than your sight staring into me. you know that i mean all of this and i am always honest with you, so please dont ignore or doubt me. you have never given me a chance.  i dont understand why you say things to me and then ignore me, unless you never meant them in the first place?

and in the end, all i can say, is that i want you.
and you dont want me back.
but i know if i bleed, you will stitch me without the anaesthetic, till i am shut.
this is getting too hard for me.
there is a reason for all of my unreasonable behaviour.
there is salvation in inebriation.
there is lust in intoxication.
and then there is love. when everything else you feel then, remains in sobriety.

let's just focus on this full bottle, first. before it is [i am] broken.
and sometimes i wonder if yr girlfriend ever writes to you like this. or maybe you can sit around laughing about all of this, who knows what you tell her.
misslauren misslauren
22-25, F
Aug 21, 2007