1994. Before that, I was in a 6 year marriage to a gay man. The first 3 years we were married, we had sex 7 times. He was awful in bed. I didn’t know he was gay, I thought he was just selfish and had a low sex drive. The next three…absolutely nothing and he was mean and inattentive. It’s been 15 years…no sex. I was engaged once, had a boyfriend or two, but I was in a strict religion that punished you for pre-marital sex so my best years were wasted. Now I barely have a sex drive. I don’t want to die alone, I would like a relationship, but men are usually not understanding or patient with women who are sexually inexperienced at my age. I used to absolutely crave sex and cuddling…It’s been 9 years since I’ve kissed anyone. How did I get to this place in my life?
Since it has been sooooo long I’m scared now. I’m scared that I have nothing to offer anyone, nothing to contribute to a relationship. I have many interests, been told that I’m quite pretty, but attracting a good man and keeping the relationship going has been a difficult challenge. I’ve changed so much about myself, the way I think about relationships, the way I do life, but I have no FIRE in me. I have no passion anymore about anything and it shows on the outside. Some women you can look at and you can see the smoldering, the life in them…I think someone blew out my pilot light and I don’t know where the matches are