Well Over a Year Now

Doesn't mean I don't think about it. And by think about it I mean "How can I do this so I can get away with it as an 'accident' but still get to do it" and going through the ideas of what to use and how hard and what excuse I'll use.... I just keep at it for him. Becuase even though I know I could get him to buy my lie and he would never know or be worried or upset or sad, I would know that I did it when I promised I wouldn't. I would know I'd betrayed him, lied about it, and done something to set myself back to boot. I mean, its almost two years now. Two years without ever going it. Thats a huge step for me and I'm not letting some random thought or feeling or urge take that from me. I caught myself the other day rubbing this thing against my wrist, I can't remember now what it was, I think it was the blunt old scissors I cut wedding ideas out of magazines with, but I'm fuzzy on the details. I jsut remember realizing I was rubbing away and thought, what the hell am I doing? It was just a comfort gesture I think.... but I felt so.... I don't know. It felt comfortable but not at the smae time. And I felt so weird. ANd I got him to take the thing away and I know it made him worry about me so then I felt bad and the buzzy feeling in my chest was there which I hate because its always the thing that tells me I should do it. 

Maybe I should, just once, becuase I feel like it, but then I think, ****, then I'll be back at square 1 all over again and I'll feel sh*tty to boot.

sugarburn sugarburn
22-25, F
2 Responses Mar 3, 2009

Wow Sugar! Two years! You're doing Great! <br />
<br />
I kind of know how you feel. I self harm in a different way, being an alcoholic! I feel myself reaching for a glass that isn't there! Although the temptation always is!

you seem to have a pretty good handle on it right now. you know you shouldn't do it, and don't want to, yet want to at the same time. but it seems you're more aware of the consequences now than before perhaps?<br />
<br />
you're doing SO great! over two years now! that really is amazing! def keep up the good work! :) don't worry...i'm here if you ever need to talk through your feeling :)