Harsh Judgement Tolls For 24 Souls

I am starting a new journey, a new life, a new age. I am a soul who has been judged for his sins and the judgement has been harsh.

People always looked at me and saw my father. He was a rough man, could be violent and people feared him. I always liked to fight, it was exciting and made me feel alive. The power. Loved the power. Almost made me feel drunk.

I completed uni, became a health professional- caring for people- I don't know what i was thinking. Underneath, there has always been hate. I draw my strenght from that hate. It intoxicates me. I became involved with "seedy" people who enjoyed my anger and liked to see what I would do next.

These people would give me tasks to complete and I would engage the activity for money, which I needed for my new family, and I inturn would do evil things to ensure that I would get paid. These people were not good people themselves but that is no excuse- I know this now, but i used this to justify things to myself at the time.

Now I no longer sleep, I dream about all the people I wronged. Their faces haunt me at every turn. I wake in the night with a horrible start and cannot go back to sleep. I have tried to make ammends by going back and approaching those people for forgiveness, never to be accepted. Sometimes they have not been in their addresses for years. The pain has weighed heavily on my heart.

I have been judged however and that judgement has been harsh. I believe the 24 souls of my children have been kept from me as punishment for these sins. I no longer crave for more children as I know that this is the method of pain that has been bestowed on me. My heart is heavey and I find it hard to cope. 

For those of you out there that are like me, heed my warning: the life you choose, the options you take and the deeds you do, will haunt you forever. There is always a price to pay for those things that are wrong.  

 

souloftheether souloftheether
26-30, M
1 Response Mar 10, 2009

wow....this story is just so enlightening.....i agree with you about it haunting you because well i have done petty terrible things (compared to ur things) and they kill me inside, make me have nightmares so bad that i am scared to sleep,and no matter how much i try to mentally run away during the day they ALWAYS find me and make me relive every thing that i have done n had done to me and every memory is like a knife being twisted in my heart...i am sorry you chose the wrong path my friend and i am even sorrier to say that people like you that chose to do those acts are what keep me from doing what i know to be wrong...(btw i am not pitying u soul) i am just relating to how ur choices have impacted ur life and all i can think of is pain,sorrow, n guilt....maybe u can get sum real therapy? sometimes it helps, soemtimes it doesnt....i dont know what i could do to help but i am here if u want to talk...just keep making the RIGHT choices and HOPEFULLY someday things will get better my friend-Mindy