So Confused!

Ive been seeing a MM for the past 3yrs. The other night we were in the same place where we had our first date. It was kinda funny thinking back on the first time we met there and here we are 3yrs later, still sneaking around to be together. I joked on how I should give him a flash back on how it all started. I did. I also gave myself a reality check. Im still in the same place with him after 3yrs. I see him less often than before and want to be with him, more than ever. I usually wait on Thursday or Friday night to see him. I run out and we plan on what time to meet and where to meet. Im always there early. Well, Thursday night, I fought my hardest with myself and didnt run out as usual. He kept driving by. Friday, same thing, he waited and I acted as if I was going to go talk to him but never did. I am so proud of myself. I hope that he will be the one hoping and waiting to see me. Id always have to wait around for him. Next time he comes around, I know that he will be knocking on my door. Thats the night that I will tell him how I felt the last night I saw him. If he asks when Im going to see him, Im going to tell him, I will look for you. Just like he always has had me waiting and wondering when he will come. I hope that he feels as I always have. I want him to feel what I have felt. Im on a mission!! I cant give in no matter how much I miss our time together.