Do I Give Up Or Try Harder? Confession! At My Breaking Point

Okayy so to start of just like many people on here, I am not the type to to post things online or go on forums but I really dont know what else to do. This will probably end up being a long confession so If you are able to spend some time reading it I would really appreciate it. Any advice I can get would mean the world to me since I really cant turn to anyone else.

When I say I dont know if I should give up or try harder It is about love not with my life just to make that clear.

I am 22 years old, female & confused. I honestly dont know where to start.
I work at a larger catering company where I started when I was 17 and worked my way up to management. When I was 18, a guy got hired there who actually worked right next door so I knew who he was. Kind of even helped him get hired. I will relate to him as 'Romeo".

So Romeo started and was the player to say the least. I was very attracted to him but knew I had no chance. He seemed to cocky for me and flirted way to much with every girl in that workplace. What a turn off. He eventually started dating someone there, little did i Know he also had a relationship out of the work place with a girl who did not have her papers to be here. He had been dating her for 6 years. I was in shock. what a dog! & the girl was oblivous had no idea of his dog ways. Eventually the work relationship with that girl did not work out she quit and was back to player status and lurking again.

My 20th birthday I invited him to. Got a limo and went to the club with all our friends. Still at the time was just friends, danced with him, everyone had a great time. And after that we kind of hit it off at work. The flirting began, the grabbing and just the fun and thrill. 6 months later after my birthday was another co workers birthday. He was there along with many other people. Everyone was drinking a little to much. He was very touchy and even kissed me in front of everyone. At that point I knew i was the new girl in his life and everyone else knew to, not to mention the jealous girls who liked him as well. Not to stray away from the story but at this point in time I still had not lost my virginity. It was something very important. Even though I had oppurtunities to do it prior and 3 boyfriends It never felt right but I guess that night it did.

I ended up losing my virginity to Romeo that night. Not really the way I pictured it happening though. Drunk, in a car with a man who had a girlfriend . I AM NOT PROUD OF IT just for the record.

Moving forward, It was quite awkward when we went back to work on Monday. People would gossip how we left together but of course we both denied anything and everything to protect our jobs. But as the weeks went by the awkwardness left and things heated up again. The flirting continued, the hooking up did and the lies just kept building up. My jealousness escalated and I was caught up in his spell. but at the end of the day I had to remember he was not mine and he was going home to someone else but It didnt seem to bother me as much as him flirting with people at work?

So then came along a girl at work who started to like him & me and her grew close and she would tell me she liked him and i would have to sit there and just listen because i couldnt let my secret out. But wow would it kill me . So i find out he hooked up with her and i lost my cool and basically in a 3 month nutshell i turned them against eachother and got her fired but she does not know any of that. I ended up telling her everything about me and him and she was blindsighted and hurt and ever since then even though she acted okay I knew she hated me which is fine we ended up ending our friendship over a drunken night.

At that point I didnt know who i became. That was not ME! I started that job the most sweet innocent girl ever. But that was nothing compared to how messed up things are now. A year went by we continued this 'work' relationship, my 21st birthday ended up being a big party at a hotel on the beach where i had lots of people including him who made it know yet again we were something. Kissing me all night, dancing and just never leaving my side. He confessed to me the next day he was marrying his girlfriend.

My heart sunk.. He said he HAD to. She did not have her papers and it was approaching her 21st birthday where she would get deported. So yeah he did it. He marrried her and to this day they are still married.
Now this whole time I was not just waiting around for him, I did have two boyfriend within that time frame, had sexual partners but somehow me and him would always get back to it.

But married? That was serious and I told him id never let him cheat on her with me. but that did not work out.

Now this next part is going to have your eyes wide open and you probably are going to rip my ear off with advice and yell at me but thats okay its why im here

Romeo started a new relationship with another girl while he was married and the other girl knew about it. The other girl even knew about the other girl ME!! So you could only imagine how we felt about eachother. Eventually his wife found out about her and left him but did not divorce or she would get deported. He had nowhere to go to, he asked to stay with me and I said no way! He ended up getting a place with the other girl and basically dated her for 6 months till he got sick of it and told me how he was not happy. Durning this time he dated her me and him would not flirt, not hook up not even talk that much, I told myself I was done and i convinced myself i was. He left that girl and moved back to his moms. Now my 22nd birthday was here and he came alone, I knew it was trouble and was i ever so right. After 6 months we were back at it and spent the night together. His wife took him back the next week.

My 22nd birthday was last month.. It is exactly one month from that day but yet his wife is 5 weeks pregnant? Does anyone seem to question that timing? He only saw her for the first time in 6 months 3 weeks ago but he swears its his.

A BABY??? Are you kidding me?

Its blow after blow with this guy but this was the last straw or was it? Work was the same, the flirting and at this point EVERYONE knew about us, even the big boss and it wasnt hiden anymore. People knew not to mess with me and same thing with him but yet again I knew when he left work he wasnt mine, he was hers.

But his mom lives here and his wife lives 30 miles south so durning the week he would stay local and go to her on weekends. Was she dumb?

So since the last real heartbreak of him going to live with that other girl I kind of played the same cards as him. I dated someone else and gave him the cold shoulder even when it killed me.

Just 2 days ago I came over and we sat and watched a movie, drank a little and he ended up opening up to me. He told me he loved me and told me im strong for understanding how he was married but always sticking by his side and for that he wanted me to be his girl. I told him he was crazy and does he hear what hes saying right now? He will never leave his wife. Why would i even get myself into that? What good does it for me? Yeah basically he wanted his cake & to eat it too. Its true but even though as you see these past 4 years I dont seem like the smartest girl with these decisons I have made I would NEVER be someones devoted official OTHER GIRL. I deserve better and with that yeah we hooked up, yeah we cuddled but his wife was coming to pick him up around 2am.

On the drive home I just lost it. I sat in my car and cried for hours. & I am not the type to cry. but soooo much was built up and those last 6 hours we spent together was so perfect yet so not real that it was the breaking point. What the hell am i doing? HES MARRIED. HE HAS A BABY ON THE WAY. HE HAS HOOKED UP WITH GIRLS IN THE SAME WORKPLACE. HE HAS HURT ME SO MANY TIMES. Yeah good times we have had were amazing and He has always been there for me and truly has been a good friend despite our secret relationship. So hes half heartless and half a good person truly. but still how long am i going to let this last? When am i finally going to move on with my life?

A couple of people do know the full story and everyone says the same. MOVE ON & i deserve better and how hes playing me & that I will never be able to move on unless he quits or I do at our job because if you think of it , we see eachother everyday. How will it be possible to move on if I see him everyday? Its not and maybe its time to move on??

But i do love him. I know i do & we have been at it for 4 long years & thats not easy to just walk away from. Before his wife got pregnant, me & him even had the baby talk of what we would name our kids and he said he wanted to have a baby with me. You dont just say those things to people. But hopefully he doesnt end up having two kids on the way because of what happened on friday night. As much as I would love to have a baby , i deserve to be with someone who will be with that baby 24.7 not have a wife and another kid! Am i out of mind? I honestly dont even know what I would do if I had a baby from him. I dont even want to think about that. All i know is I need to be done with this part of my life.

Do i give up or try harder? I cant compete with his wife. I would never be able to win him unless she finally leaves him or he finds out that baby is not his. I know sounds like an episode of jerry springer. ughh not the way i was raised AT ALL.

So tomorrow is typical monday . I will see him, the flirting begins and ill take him home & so forth. What am i doing? How much more can I take?

It breaks my heart to even imagine him not in my life but it breaks my heart more to know hes not mine & probably never will be. How do i move on? How do I work there but ignore him? Do i find another job? Do I continue this affair? I am officially stuck. This weekend has been full of tears, thinking and just listening to many songs that doesnt really help the situation.

I need help. & Please refrain from telling me I am stupid and a homewrecker and just negative things. i dont want to hear it. If you are here to help me then please tell me anything and everything .

I love him. but I know i love myself more.

Thank you for reading my bible of confession. It could of been longer trust me That was 4 years summed up the best I could but lord knows that story could be pages long.

LiveLaughLove59 LiveLaughLove59
22-25, F
4 Responses Sep 23, 2012

you clearly like guys who pick you up and use you.

can I get your number or something so we can hook up whenever I feel like it whilst I go back to my normal life when I feel like that??

then why do you let this guy do the same, he's really got bad news written all over him, he can't even tell you the truth about simple things!

I believe certain guys are only as nice to a girl as they have to be in order to keep her on the hook. As soon as you slip away, he will be kind again. He wants you as a back-up in case things fail, but you deserve to be someone's one and only. And not his. You've seen how he cheats with multiple girls and he would do that to you, even if you got together. I hope you will be happy in whatever you choose.

<p>Dump him. He is a loser. He really, truly is. Take off you rose-colored glasses and see him for what he is - a pure piece of S&^t. You NEED to be done with him. Your life will go on, trust me. It will hurt. You will cry. It will suck - there is no getting around that. BUT after the pain subsides and your life moves forward, you will be SO much happier. And you will be happy that you left him. Leave him and don't look back.</P><br />

Have you ever spoken to him about maybe divorcing his wife... because I thought once they were married and she had her green card.... then that was it? I don't know... do what your heart tells you <3