Internal Battle With This Affair
I'm having an affair with a married man, who is also an alcoholic. I'm been with him for over 3 years, i tried so many times to leave him and after a few days, he calls and fall back in to his charming ways to get me back. Since the affair, i don't feel like myself anymore, i know this is wrong and it's against everything i believe in a relationship. I do know he loves me, but it's not right to be with him. He is very abusive to me, when he has been drinking. I don't know how to do it anymore. My selfesteem it's been down, i'm lying. I notice lately when i'm around him, it doesn't feel good like it use to be. I've giving the negative side of him. But lots of time he help me alot and really pay attention to me. We do lots together. We take care of each other, we talk a lot. We bike ride together, we also do cooking and house work together. He help me a lot in my house and that maybe why I can't let go. I know he does loves we have spend so much time together. Please help
Update January 28/10
A year ago, he had a lay off from his job, so he moved back home. for 2 months he cam back every 10 days. Afterwards she started new job somewhere else, not at home again. We kept in touch a lot. But a let him go so may times, weeks at the time. But for some reason, still talked to him. In the past year I saw him 4 different times. The only different i'm starting to change and don't have any expectations from him. I did tell him i still care, but i won't wait for him. I occasions arise i will start dating and start moving on. I still have a hard with it. I was told until i let him go of my heart, i will no one else come in.
In December I blocked his e-mail, his phone and i started to feel better. But around middle of December i lost my mom, so i became very emotional and wanted to call and tell him, but i held on. One night i felt so down and cold him and told him what happened. He bought me a plane ticked and ask me to go see him to take care of me. I did, now the merry go round again.