Finding It Hard

I was happy in my relationship with C and devastated when he was sent to prison.  About 3 months into his sentence i started having an affair with M who is married.  I still cant believe I did it, because I have never cheated on anyone before and its not normally something i would consider but M made me happy and we grew very close and fell in love.  I carried on visiting C in prison as if everything was okay, I dont think I would have got through this stressful time without M and there were times when I felt so confused and finished it with M a few times because I felt guilty.  When C was due to be released from prison M and I met up and it was very tearful, we spent the night just lay with our arms around one another, a friend of ours rang me to say she had found him broke down in tears outside her house.  The thing is that the time we spent together he treated me better than anyone has ever treated me in my life.  He made me feel special, like a princess, he would bring me flowers, single red roses, write me poems and take me for meals, something that C rarely did, and if he had left his wife I know I would have left C to be with him.  We stopped seeing one another when C came out of prison, and sent the occasional text message, then a couple of times we met up and slept together, but I couldnt handle the guilt so it stopped.  Just recently I have found myself thinking of M all the time.  He said he would respect my wishes and not contact me unless I sent him our special coded message but last week we spoke on the phone and just hearing his voice brought tears to my eyes.  (a song on the radio a few weeks ago made me cry too thinking about him).  I know I love M more than C and more than I have ever loved anyone, and last week after speaking on the phone he sent me a message saying " I love you so much I just wish I had the guts to do something about it".  I know he wont leave his wife, because he wouldnt want to hurt her and cause so much hurt and pain to everyone involved, although he has told me tht he has been close many times cos he wants to be with me.  I havent seen him now for seven weeks, but we are in touch by text, and It wouldnt take much for me to start up seeing him again,  I know Its risky and we could get caught, but I just love this man so much and sometimes think I would take the chance, but feel scared cos me and C live together and if he found out it would be a nightmare.  Not sure what to do

Memoriesofyou Memoriesofyou
46-50, F
2 Responses Nov 2, 2009

i personally think that you are in an unhappy relationship with C and you are turning to M because he gives you attention. I think that you should end things with both C and M. Go out and enjoy yourself and find yourself a man who is all yours and will treat you happy and respect you. because you deserve it.! Good luck.

Well to be honest with you I get what you are going through. I'm sorry but it's a good thing that you stopped seeing M because my dad used to cheat on my mum and I know how M's poor wife is going to go through hell if she ever finds out. I saw my mum go absolutely crazy right in front of me, throwing vases across the room and I know how painful it would be for her.<br />
And it would be painful for C too. I don't know what kinda guy he is but he would be really devastated or even worse. So hang in there and everything will be fine.