I Am Tired Of Feeling Alone

People know that I have depression.  They know that I almost successfully killed myself twice a few months ago.   Some of those people dont treat me the same anymore.  They seem scared of me.  My wife gets upset every time I talk about being down.  She is irritated by the fact that I am not a go getter like she is.  She is upset that I dont take initiative.  She says I am not the same person she married.  I know I'm not.   12 years later, I have become more introverted.  I have lost sight of who I am.   Everything I do,  I do to make everyone else happy.  People say to do things that make me happy.  I dont know what makes me happy anymore.  I dont know who I am anymore.  When I do something that I think will help myself, I am accused of being selfish and moping.   I cant win.  I have two beautiful daughters and they are the only 2 things keeping me here right now.  I dont want to be in this life anymore.  I dont want to have to report to anyone anymore.  I dont want to be a burden on anyone else anymore.  I dont want to be sad anymore.   I just wish I could disappear and that the world can forget that I ever existed...
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2 Responses Sep 7, 2011

My Friend. Mental Illness is the most misunderstood illness there is by the so called normal people and most just wont take the time to educate themseleve's on it and that include's family. The number one thing you will hear from stupid people is " Get over it " yet they would not tell a person with say cancer the same stupid thing. If I could just get over it then it would have been long gone. But as much as the " normal " people need to educate themselve's, so do we.<br />
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My depression like's to play mind game's with me and I am in a constant struggle to find way's to beat it. Being idle is my worst enemy for that is when I am alone with my thought's. That is when my mind start's telling me that I cant do this or that and that I am worthless and better off dead yet nothing is further from the truth. I AM NOT WORTHLESS AND I STILL HAVE A LIFE TO LEAD !!!!! I find thing's to keep myself AND my mind busy and in a better place. Has it been easy ? Hell No !!! I have to force myself many time's to do thing's that my mind tell's me I cant. <br />
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One rut we fall into is that we stop doing thing's we once enjoyed because our mind's tell us to and we fall for it and like anything else in life once you start somthing it is hard to stop. Human's are creature's of habit and we incorporate thing's into our life until they become a habit and we do them without thought and dealing with depression is no differenf. I forced myself to overide my mind and started doing thing's over and over until they once again became habit and I gnored my mind when it tried to tell me to stop. If I tried to do somthing and started to get aggrivated then I just walked away until I was ready to tackle it again, somtime's many time's but I did it.<br />
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EP can be one of you greatest outlet's so take full advantage of it. Join group's and WRITE a story, read other people's and comment. Make friend's and talk with other's of the same interest's. I dont write for other's I write to work my mind. Some of my story's mean nothing to other's but they do me and the served a purpose at the time I wrote them. Use it to vent and help get anger out as I have in the past and will do so in the future. It also help's to motovate me because alot of time's when I post a story about somthing it remind's me that this was once somthing that I enjoyed doing and in some case's started doing again such as cooking, I love to cook and my gut is proof of it : ) as I like to eat too.<br />
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I told you that I have seven grandchildren and I love them to piece's but had been ignoring them because my depression told me that I could'nt handle it, it was wrong !!!! I spent time with them this summer and at time's it was one on one. We went fishing and shooting and I taught my grandson's, twin 's age twelve archery and found myself enjoying it but I had to get out of my I Cant Do This chair and just DO IT.<br />
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Bottom line my friend is that this is one of those do it yourself project's that has no instruction's but were men right and we never look at the instruction's anyway. : ) Find what work's for you and NEVER loose sight of your two daughter's because they will ALWAY'S need their dad. My daughter is now thirty but is still daddy's little girl. We are here for you my friend. My Best.

I am very sorry about how you're feeling. I wish somebody was there for you to help you and not accuse you of things when you do try to do things for yourself. I worked through depression before and was on my way to recovery, the most important thing for me was to have somebody to talk to back then. Maybe that's all you really need is somebody to talk to and this person to encourage you whenever you do something you enjoy doing. I wish the best for you and I I truly hope you find your way back before it gets any worse.