Faking Happy

New here... hi. Found this because I needed to talk. Usually I talk to my best friend, but ever since I moved a few years ago, it has been increasingly difficult to get in contact with her, to the point that I don't know if she really is my best friend anymore. My 'friends' here are so judgmental, I could never really be me for fear of feeling worse. And now I live with 3 of them because I have nowhere else to live. It's been a while, but I feel a bad relapse coming, and I can't talk to anyone around me. I was diagnosed with depression in the 9th grade, after about 4 years of no one knowing what was wrong with me and being constantly berated by my mother about why my grades were falling and not getting out enough, and when I did attempt some sort of outdoor activity, being excessively overprotective and thus not letting me do anything, which really didn't help.

I learned to fake happy around the time I was 18, and have been trying to force myself into believing that's really the case for the past 7 years. Every time I feel like maybe, possibly, I kind of sort of might be feeling good, something else happens and I have to wear my mask again. Even worse now that I have no one I can really talk to. The few times I attempted to talk to my roommates about how depressed I really am, they sort of blanked out and didn't listen. Before and after these attempts, they constantly make fun of 'emo' kids, depressed people in general, and laugh at people who have committed suicide because they feel they deserve it. None of them know I've attempted suicide before. A couple days ago I was honestly just reading some tactics information for a game I was playing, when one of my roommates commented "Man, you look super depressed. You okay?" to which I replied "Oh, yeah. Just reading about this game I'm playing," and he said, "Good, because I was about to tell you to shut up and get over it." Then semi-sarcastically added on, "But also I feel empty inside," and he poked his head back in the room, laughed and yelled "Ha! GIRL!" and went about his business.

I've learned to fake happy so well a lot of people think I'm one of the happiest and nicest people ever. I work in a customer service position and constantly receive customer compliments and kudos from my supervisors. I find it so ironic how convincing it is, and that I somehow spend all my time talking to people and yet I can't talk to people. This social anxiety has developed to ignore the "customer and salesman" scenario in my brain, but despite all my efforts, continues to shut me down in every other situation.

I'm single, the only relationship I've ever had was an online/long distance thing with a girl who took 4 years to break my heart by marrying a guy who could have been my clone. We even have the same name. My friends here don't know about that, when I've mentioned that ex to them it was never online because I've already witnessed their viewpoint to online relationships in the past, and to spare myself more ridicule while still attempting to fit in I omitted that part and never talked about her much. Some days I still don't feel over her.

The relapse I feel coming is sparked by my loneliness. This time it's about a girl I'm interested in, and my coworker who has more to offer than I do that is also interested. He is unaware of my situation, and until another coworker brought up the idea because of a "rumor" which he very poorly denied in his usual goofy sarcastic manor, I also had no idea. What's more, it's not this specific girl that has me down, it's this scenario. We've talked, but not much, and when we first started talking it was great, we had a lot in common. But my self esteem is so low, that I soon ran out of things to talk about because I don't find many things I do that interesting to other people, and my social anxiety has held me back from experiencing so many new things that the topics just ran dry and let to social awkwardness around her. This leads to me feeling even more lonely and isolated which reminds me of how this cycle has persisted so many times, and the more I think about it the more depressed I feel and the closer I feel I'm returning to that state I was in 10 years ago.

Now to go back to my video games so I don't have to think about anything anymore before thinking too much drives me crazy. Whoever read all this, thank you.
LostContact LostContact
22-25, M
1 Response May 17, 2012

You are obviously a very intelligent and likable person who has not "found" himselfyet. You do not say whether or not you have tried any type of therapy or counseling. It seems you are surrounded by people who are far less sensitive and smart as you, which is a shame, and it was bad luck that the online friendship turned out badly.<br />
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However, from your story, I'll bet that you will find your way eventually. Once again, I raise the issue of counseling. You deserve to have more help.