My Dad Died and Everyone Thinks I Don't Care.

Earlier this year one week before my 19th birthday I got a phone call from my mother saying that there had been an "accident" she then drew out the process of telling my dad died.  My roommate and friend for 6 years was there but as soon as I found out I ran into my room with the phone.  My mom wouldn't tell me what happened she just kept saying accident, I asked her to put me on the phone with my brother who explained things to me a little more clearly.  My dad shot himself 2 days ago and they hadn't been able to get in touch with me.  I live in Canada now going to school and I'm 6 hours from my home in CT.  I only cried for about a minute over the phone before I was able to compose myself.  My mom wanted me to catch a plane back to CT, but I was having some friends come visit me that weekend so i decided I would just go back with them.  

When I came out of my room my two roommates were waiting all I could say was that I needed beer, and lots of it.  I know it's tacky and unhealthy but that's always how I've dealt with death.  So they both went and while they were gone I paced back and forth in the apartment screaming and crying and cursing I was a mess.  But as soon as I heard keys in the door I stopped and sat down.  The rest of the night I drank and sat with my roommates but we didn't talk about what had happened.  I didn't want to make them uncomfortable and they didn't want to push me to talk about something that I didn't want.  I stayed up till 5 in the morning until I passed out.  The next morning it was business as  usual and I did a really good job pretending I was fine if I do say so myself.  The same thing happened when my other friends came up to get me, we all pretended nothing happened.

I spent about a month back home and I didn't cry in front of anyone.  Not at the funeral or the wake or the parties or even alone with my brother or mother.  When I thought I was going to cry I rubbed my tongue against the roof of my mouth it always helps me stop crying.  I gave hugs and cracked jokes about how I needed to come home anyway to eat food and do laundry.  

When he died I hadn't seen my father in about 4 months maybe more.  At the time he was living in Martha's Vineyard, he was supposed to come visit in November.  

I could go on but I think I'd rather stop there.

So almost every night and most mornings I cry by myself in my room and feel like I should have known.  That if I had called him the night before he wouldn't have done it, that I could have saved him, and I didn't.  

So now I'm here part of me wants to go to therapy but I have way to many personal blocks that prevent me from doing so.  The most predominant reason being that I don't want my mom or brother to know just how depressed I am and have been.  I had been managing it by myself but I don't think I can do it alone anymore.  I don't want anyone to worry or be scared for me, but maybe part of me does? I don't know I'm confused and tired. 

I just want to find other people who are going through similar situations that may have some advice.  Thanks for listening, I think this is helping already.


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7 Responses Dec 3, 2008

I'm so sorry for your lost...I lost my daughter last year to pneumonia so I can relate to loading someone very close...everyone has their own way of dealing with grief some people don't understand and sometimes its not meant for anyone to understand but u...grieving Is a process that is hard to deal with but will be easier to cope with if u express how u feel as much as possible so please do that because it helps even if u gotta write down what u feel just let it out...because holding it in hurts more

Hi, sorry to hear you're going through this. I think the main thing you have to do now is finding a way to understand that you couldn't have done anything to save your father. Relatives of suicide victimes are plagued for life with these "If only I had" but the truth is that once someone decides to take such a step, there is no stopping him. When my friend did it, a doctor told me that some research indicates a 'defect' in the brain in suicidal people. So it's nobody's fault.<br />
Just grieve in your own way, but be careful not to self-destruct!!

Everyone goes through tough stages in their life and it's not a bad thing to admit you want or need help. If you just block out feelings they will build up inside you and in some cases can lead to severe depression which can include self injury, solvent abuse, alcoholism are just a few examples. I'm sure there will be people who want to support you whether it be family or friends. I think (and please tell me if u think i'm wrong) that the important thing here is how you deal with how depressed you are. I hope this helps

go to therapy. Its the best solution in the long run. Even if just for a few sessions

No you can't blame yourself for your fathers death, and I'<br />
m sure he wouldn't want your to bame yourself, When you have a child you want the very best for that child and you know he wouldn't want you to be unhappy.

I know what you mean. My mom passed away and my dad is in the process. The day my mom died I had went out with my friends to a cabin and drank after. It was like a release almost? she had cancer so the time leading up to that was hard, and i knew the days to follow would be hard and I just needed a break. As bad as it sounds drinking helps not only temporarily, but the days to follow i find I dont think about things that arnt "in the now" as much. I have never cried infront ofm y freinds,a nd i tried my hardest at the cascette though. I feel like my friends have there own problems, even though some of them are sort of trivial, they feel like a big deal to them, and who am I to add to it right? I just keep trying to be someone i think my mom would be proud of...

I went through that... one thing I can say is that when you hold it all in for the sake of others (or yourself) you end up getting more depressed and soon enough you start being angry and confused. I wish you good luck, and I'm sorry about your father. Maybe if your religious you should pray (not trying to push any religion on you, I am not christ./cat. myself) or if not maybe you should write poetry or draw. I've noticed that jogging clears the mind.