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Wondering

Sometimes I wonder if I can every open up to other people. I believe I'm open but I always feel like there are some feelings that I never show people. I have a mask on all the time hiding how I really feel. I can laugh and joke around with my friends and feel like crap at the same time. I'm scared to show others that I feel insecure and am hurting over things that I know are trivial. I'm deathly terrified of being a burden on my friends and telling them my problems makes me feel like I'm being a burden on them. I tend to stay quiet or just show everyone my happy mask so that they don't feel burdened. Sometimes I feel proud of the fact on how good I am at acting. They never suspect that inside I'm a jumble of emotions. They never suspect the things I think of. I feel disconnected from everyone because they will never know how I truly feel. Never fully understand what goes through my mind. I don't understand my emotions and how I feel so how can I tell people that I have problems when I don't even know what they are. I try thinking optimistacly but it only goes so far. There are always doubts in my mind about everything. I take jokes the wrong way and feel hurt with some comments that aren't meant to be taken seriously. I write stories, poems, and I draw. I do these things to channel my emotions and hopefully get rid of some of my feelings but they stay there. I bottle all my emotions and eventually reach a breaking point where I will cry over the smallest things and think about suicide all the time. I don't understand what is wrong with me and I wish there was someone who could see past my mask and see me. See all my emotions and the turmoil I'm in.
cvercimak cvercimak 13-15, F 1 Response May 8, 2012

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I feel like that all the time....