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The Masks We Wear

       When the kids make fun of you, learn to laugh with them. That's what I was told over and over again.  I retreated into myself more and more, leaving all the hurt behind a wavering smile with tears wanting to escape from my eyes.  All though school it never stopped or at home with my siblings always said things, like I was stupid and ugly. I just didn't fit in any where.

       I would take long walks just to get some peace, determining not to be home until everyone was done with dinner. I didn't feel like eatting any way, food just seemed to clog up in my mouth. I'd talk to myself and dream of being someone compleatly differant. I talked to the animals I saw in the woods and even the water in the little stream I sat by. You see, I wasn't allowed to talk much without being told to shut up, and don't even think about singing. But I was expected to keep a little smile on my face and act as if everything was alright.

       But I knew everything wasn't alright, I just didn't know how to make it better. I thought if I wasn't there that maybe it would get better. But if I ran away, where would I go, after all I was only 10. So I decided to hang myself. That way even if things didn't get better, at least I would have to be there to have to deal with it. But I couldn't find a rope or anything to do the job. Maybe the real problem was I was stupid, so I started constantly reading every book I could get my hands on. My grades improved, but not the constant baggering.

       I know now that it was all called bullying but even if I had know what it was called, what was I to do about it. I saw on tv, that if you have a problem to go to your parents or a caring adult. My parents were the one that told me to smile and learn to laugh with the ones that did this.  I was afraid of that the ones doing this wouldn't be punished for it and that I would for tattling. If my parents wouldn't make my own sisters and brother stop, why would a school teacher do any differant.  So now you have the reason someone would act like nothing is wrong with it is. But before I end this story, I want you to know that I found out the joy of learning things, of having a smile that comes from the inside out and even laughing just for the joy of laughing.
JinnieH JinnieH 61-65, F 1 Response Aug 11, 2011

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i understanding i failed at suicidal amd even ran away when i was little. but i know soon ill find some peace. :)