Searching For RainbowsYears ago I had told my best girlfriend (who has since passed on; may she rest in peace) that so long as we laugh as much as we cry we will be okay. We worked together, side by side, and shared some "giggle attacks" together as a result of things that would occur in our office. We had no idea what would be in store for each of us in our futures.
I have always been searching for rainbows and always thankful for my independence. Each time something horrible would happen in my life I would tell myself that another rainbow would be right around the next corner. What if there are no more rainbows? What if I have been living in the future and smiling to everyone while lying to myself? Essentially I feel as though I have been living in denial.
My smiles are plentiful, especially when I see my ex-boyfriend who is the superintendent of my building. He has a new girlfriend of course and probably met her while seeing me. It hurts when someone is able to move on so easily, still flirting with me when he would see me, as recently as three weeks ago. I do not have the money to move and do not have any close friends to help me.
My closest girlfriend is constantly intoxicated because she knows that her husband cheats on her, but he provides a beautiful and enormous house for her and their children. My other closest girlfriend lives a distance from me and about a year ago (much to my dismay) had begun smoking large amounts of marijuana due to problems with her husband. Needless to say, the best friend I have ever had is now deceased. Another friend told me (when I mentioned that I was trying to find another place to live) that she and her husband would not be able to help me move. Funny, I did not even ask.
How do I even attempt to smile and search for a rainbow (happiness) when I do not have one single real friend to help me? My neighbor who suffers from anxiety disorder does not want me to move because I won't be here to help her. She has a husband to help her and calls me when she is alone. Not one single person is encouraging me because I am the one smiling while crying endlessly each day.
It is not healthy for me to live here. I have no idea how to move forward when I have no car, a disability that makes stairs impossible and am living on a very low income. Breaking even is a miracle and losing my hair due to worry is constant.
I never want to see him again. His telling me that I have too many health issues when he knew this from the start (my thinking his diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, baldness and obesity would make him feel okay with my disability was ignorance on my part)nearly kills me inside each and every day. I have been asked out by other men but I am still in love with this man who calls himself a Christian. This beautiful man who has made me feel worthless and ugly. This man who I have spent so much time praying for that I have forgotten to pray for myself. I smile, everyday I smile, why should I show my pain when nobody cares to help me? Not one single person; everyone has their own issues to call me about and cry endlessly. When I start to talk they suddenly have to go.