I Repress Everything.....

Right now, I couldn't feel less cared about. If I didn't have EP and the kids in the daycare, I dread to think where I would be.
I have always been there for others, supported them and given them my love. Unfortunately I have rarely had the same level of treatment back which makes me doubt myself.
I have talked about the following a lot in my stories. I have a mentally ill sister who I am supporting through her illness alone as my parents are in denial. I am single and have no day to day friends so cant offload to them. I constantly feel like I was put on this earth to care for others but can forget about getting love and support back.
I recently confided in a co worker who I have known for years. I ended up telling her in a text what was going on in my life at the moment such as my sister and finding my job hard. She was meant to have come up and had a chat with me but didn't bother so this was my only way of telling her. She didn't reply and that was almost a week ago. She has since been in work but has made no move to come and see me. She has DEFINITELY seen the text so can only assume she doesn't care or she thinks I am selfish (as she is also going through problems). I have always been there for her and she hasn't come through for me. I feel awfully embarrassed and vulnerable now and dont know how to act when I next see her. It's hard hiding the hurt when you have opened up and got nothing back.
Sometimes before work and in the early hours of the morning, I think about my family life and lack of love in all forms in my life and it makes my heart feel incredibly heavy and that feeling, I wouldn't wish on anyone. Yet I never cry. I repress it all which I know isn't healthy but apart from EP, I have no outlet so not crying is my defence mechanism. I also worry that once I start crying I just wouldn't stop.
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1 Response May 9, 2012

I am not your co worker so I can't speak for her but if you need someone to chat with, please let me know.