Why would I show my emotions now? What do I have to gain from letting stuff out? What benefit could come from showing when I hurt?
His insults hurt from the first, but anger was all that hit me when he called me a pig. Then he said right before apologizing that he didn’t mean the apology, not really. And then, the big hurt. He called me fat. I am not fat, but the hurt is there, the ingrained hurt from my own insecurities and the teasing from middle and high school.
I try really hard to keep from believing that I am fat. I tell myself that I have a healthy body weight, that I am not too fat, not too skinny. Perfect. But the insecurity remains. The fight no one saw me have, the fight I hid, the fight to keep myself from becoming anorexic. And I know I am not fat. No, not fat.
But it still hurt, and the hurt hit the buildup of emotions from all week, and I sank and I cried. I felt myself melting into the pain, I wanted someone to hold me up, but everyone let me sink, they let me be weak. And then, the last blow I heard, the last nail in the casket, the guy who insulted me, Sid, he said that he was enjoying seeing me in pain.
Oh, how it hurts when people say that, no wonder I keep my emotions bottled. My friend Pan said Sid needed to see me cry so that Sid would know that I hurt, but the enjoyment killed me. I am not as strong as Sid thinks me, true, but when he enjoys seeing my tears, when he enjoys my pain, I am inclined to feel weaker.
Why would I show emotions if someone enjoys the darker, sadder ones? Why would I share these carefully concealed items if someone mocks and makes them worse?
I don’t show emotions for a reason, I don’t want to share them.
Why would I?
Swanfirefly Swanfirefly
18-21, F
Jan 19, 2013