I Never Thought This Would Happen
I hit my husband. I can't believe it. I have physically abused him. If he ever laid a hand on me, I'd leave him. But I did the unthinkable. And I'd do it again. What's wrong with me?
My son has colic and screams for hours on end every night no matter what you do. All you can hope for is that you'll come up with some solution that can lower the decibel of the screams so the neighbors don't call the child abuse hotline. Well, this can obviously stress a person and a marriage.
I have recently returned to work full-time and have begun to ask my not-so-patient husband for breaks once in awhile from the screaming. He is reluctant to help, but knows I need a break from the screaming--if nothing more than to take a shower! The problem arises when he starts to get frustrated and handle our son less than gently. I am worried that he could hurt him in his frustration.
I decided that a break was not worth stressing my husband out and putting my son at risk. So, I thanked my husband for his 5 minutes of help (not sarcastically, mind you) and asked for our son back. He refused. Despite his anger and inappropriate handling of him, he refused to give him to me. I gently put my hand on his shoulder and said, "Sweetie, I know you're trying to help but I'm a little concerned that you might be getting frustrated. I'm not, let me take over, please." His response? "Stop touching me" and he pulled away.
I backed away and gave him a few moments to breathe (little one is screaming his head off shrilly the whole time, mind you) and tried again. "Thank you for your efforts, I see what you're trying to do, but I really don't mind taking care of him. Why don't you get some rest and let me take care of him?" Same response, more or less.
I was starting to get scared at this point. Our little man was crying more desperately now and looking into my eyes pleadingly as my husband bounced him around and tossed him in the air carelessly (he would deny this, but it sure looked careless). The scariest thing, though, was the look on my husband's face--this look of determination and obstinance.
I tried again. I gently asked for him to hand over our son because I was worried he was getting rough with him. My husband basically "boxed" me out physically. This freaked me out. I was helplessly watching my son get tossed around and I was powerless to help him.
I prayed a quick prayer and asked for patience and help and advice. I got nothing. I couldn't hear anything or think of anything to do. But I knew I needed to get my son away from him. So I pinched him and scratched him and finally slapped him and then hit him until he said "You're crazy! Take him!" and handed over our son. I grabbed my 6-month-old baby and ran to our guest room, sobbing, holding my son close.
As soon as I held our son, he stopped crying and gripped me tightly and I sobbed harder. He is so helpless and special, how can my husband be so careless with him? What kind of damage does that do to a small child? And later, an adult child? I'm so worried.
What does it do to me? I am not an abuser. I am a mother who loves her son and wants nothing but the best for him. I NEVER would have pictured myself as an abuser. But here I am, a physically abusive woman. And yet I'd do it again. But is that the answer? Why is he so stubborn? I don't understand it.
Colic really can make you crazy. No one would ever guess the things that go on in our home at night, while our little one screams uncontrollably.