I've Hit Rock Bottom

So in August last year, I was asked to leave my job that I was incredible at. I'd been there for about a year and a half give or take, but was forced out of my job like a few before me.

I still don't have a job. Whether it's the economical crisis or just a lack of employment in the area, I'm starting to get a little down as you can imagine. I'll start from the beginning. I moved into a house in 2009 in March. I lived with a girl, we'll call her Louise and another called Nicotine (because she's bad for your health). Everything was fine, we all lived together and had so much fun. Then Louise moved out. A mutual friend of ours, Britney moved in, however, that was not my idea, I had wanted a friend of mine called...uh....Jaundice (haha) to move in. But I was cornered after a hard days work, when Louise and Nicotine had invited Britney over. As I walked into the kitchen, the first thing they both said was "Hey do you mind if Britney moves in?!", keeping in mind this was literally a day after I'd asked if Jaundice could move in. I said yes, understanding that we all knew Britney and only I knew Jaundice, so that was fair. 

Long story short, we all hate Britney now as she never paid rent, which we didn't find out until after she had moved. Just before she moved, I lost my Job (another story in itself). By then, I had asked Nicotine if we could have Jaundice move in. She said yes. A week after Jaundice moved in, we discovered that the house as a whole was $1700 behind in rent. Britney went into hiding and all 3 of us had to split it and fork out. However, I had an annual leave pay out, which got me through a few months, although it didn't last long after paying Britney s share of the rent, also spending around $300 alone on her bills. Yes, the unemployed one of the house had to fork out for that...anyway. A lovely angel by the name of...um...Jess moved in. She also didn't pay rent for a month and a half, but she fixed it up, so it's all good.  

Now Jaundice and I met through my ex. We both hate him, but became really close friends. We'd shared many good memories and all that kind of stuff. But living with her was a whole different story. I thankfully found out that Jaundice is a passive aggressive immature woman, who cannot be trusted. She would constantly put me down. And being unemployed, owing many family members a lot of money and having a non-existent love life kind of made me feel a little worthless. For week straight, at one of my lowest feeling points in my life, when I really needed support from my friends, she would look me in the eye and say "you are a terrible person" it varied to "you are a horrible person", she did this for about a week straight. She would look me in the eye and repeat it, as if she were trying to convince me, which she did. This continued for about a month, but not every day. It got to the point where I had actually sat down and seriously contemplated which cliff's in my city that I could drive my car off of. I had cut myself which I hadn't done since my youth and have only done once since. 

Now I'm not saying she owes me a thing, but I'll brief you on our friendship. We met through my ex at schoolies week. We got along, as I did with all my ex's friends. But they would constantly put her down, throw her belongings out her window (she lived with 2 of them) ect. One night we were all at a mutual friends party. She gave some guy a bee jay in a room and someone had recorded a video of it on their phone, it got sent around the party. She left without anyone's knowledge. We presumed she went home. The party died down and we all went back to Jaundice's and the other girls house. My ex and I had broken up at this point but were on good terms. When we got back, my ex (being encouraged by my friend to do so) started literally trashing her room. So I went in and cleaned everything up. Put everything back, as Jaundice wasn't home from the party yet (we didn't know where she'd gone off to). My ex came back in the room, trashed it again, I yelled and cleaned it up, again. This happened about 5-6 times, and each time I cleaned her room up. 
I then went to bed, as did all of us and Jaundice still wasn't home. Me and my friend Percell got woken by our friends and my ex saying "oh my god, come and look, all Jaundice's stuff is gone, she's moved out!!!" We went into her room and she had done exactly that. Her room was bare. So in the breif span of 2am-7am she had somehow moved out in the night, back to her parents place. Both Jaundice and I lost contact with that group soon after, as we both saw what terrible people they were. 

Now back to recent times. 
Before Jess took Nicotine's room, Nicotine (whom I was very close with and we shared a large group of mutual friends), had started posting senseless horrible things about Jaundice on the internet, obviously she saw something in her that it took me a while to realise. However, at the time, yet again, I stood up for Jaundice, and in the process lost the friendship with Nicotine and almost all of those mutual friends (bar some of the one's whom I'd known before she did).

At Christmas 09, after Jaundice had stopped calling me a terrible person ect, we went to a mutual friend of ours house for Christmas night drinks/cones ect. We were sitting at a table with our friend, his mum, and 2 of his other friends. Jaundice started telling a story about a bar we usually go to. The story was about our friend and I had said "Oh yeah, I think I remember that". She quickly shut me down, without making eye contact and said  "No! you weren't there" and continued with her story. I felt a little embarrassed as I honestly though I was there, but she must have told me the story prior. I let it slide and brushed it off. Not even a minute later, Jaundice started telling my story I had told her ages ago. Not just saying she was there, but saying this story happened to her and her friend. I didn't say a word. I figured, what's the point in embarrassing someone like that? Even though she really deserved it. She was so convinced that she was the main person in this story. But that is not confusion, that is lying. Theres a big difference in saying "Oh yeah, I remember seeing that too" than saying "I saw this, it was me and my friend who you don't know". Jaundice is known for stretching the truth/lying blatantly. 

Now after all this ****. I have lost 2 groups of close friends. Been put down and embarrassed. Been lied to and taken advantage of. Defended her when my close friends whom I'm still close with would bad mouth her after meeting her. Lost my job. Am behind on rent. Owe various family members in a total sum $1700. Have paid some immature girls rent and gas and all her other bills that have come out of the money that i've needed to borrow off my family members (even though Jaundice had a high paying job).

I could type all night...its like finger vomit. Once I started this, I just couldn't stop until you all could somewhat understand the extent of my frustration...and even then, this doesn't even sum up Jaundice or the experiences, its more so a window into the brief summary of the last year and a half.
Now I'm stuck with suicidal depression. I'm cutting myself. And all this **** was brought up all because I was doing the right thing??? I haven't been suicidal or self harming since high school. 
People say we should always do the right thing...but let's put it this way. Now, when my close friends have a bad word to say about Jaundice, I keep my mouth shut. I will never again defend her as I've seen what many, many, many of my friends have all seen. I've lost almost all of them defending her, and now I refuse to do that to myself any more.

But  I'm moving out of that place in a week. The only difference is, now she's the one forcing someone out of their home. I just wish there was someone here to defend me this time. I really hope that Jess and whoever is taking my room will see her for what she really is, before they get taken on the same ride. Shame it took me 2 years to figure it out. 

Better late than never. 

So that's my thousand+ word rant. Thanks for reading ;-)

divad777 divad777
18-21, M
1 Response Feb 11, 2010

Someone has just given tremendous comfort in a very short phrase and I think you need it more than me now so I'm forwarding it to you. The words are: "It's ok, be healed...". I don't think you need lectures on finding new real friends... But first do find yourself and what pleases you. And above all else you need to be kind to YOU during this phase.