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Bit of An Obsession...

(sorry to post/delete/repost, I had a ton of issues for some silly reason!)

 

I was in a long term "sexless" relationship for about 7 years (thankfully never married him).  I'm still quite young, and while out of that relationship, I'm still obsessdly neurotic about it.  I worry all the time that my new relationship will go the same way, sexless,  that I'll get married and be 5 years in when he'll decide to no longer want me.  I read all the Sexless Marriage/ Relationship stories and internally (and sometimes openly) lament with their sadness.  I was at least able to leave, what if someday I can't?  Sometimes I even have trouble fully communicating how I feel towards a man because I don't want him to "know" I want him, he might stop trying =(.  I'm a very sexual person, and so if the man I'm seeing now, but I can't help this awful nagging feeling that if I let myself fall in love, it'll all change and I won't be able to leave a second time around from that kind of situation (i.e. a marriage).  Hopefully at least some of what I wrote is coherent, thanks for listening.

ConfusedKitten ConfusedKitten 22-25, F 9 Responses Nov 11, 2008

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I like Dan Savages perspective, they can't have monogamy and not meet your sexual needs. If they want to remain sexless, they have to give the green light to you finding satisfaction elsewhere. The details are up for negotiation, ie how discrete the wandering partner needs to be.

I understand your worry, but you now know how important it is to you. If you left once you can do leave again.

Communicate with your partners about this before you get married and let them know that lack of intimacy is not ok for you. For me, I see sexlessness as being unfaithful, equal to an affair.

Lastly, if you have difficulties expressing your needs/feelings, perhaps some counseling is in order. Good luck to you!

Just make sure you both make it a priority, keep it fun and interesting and don't let life's struggles get in the way. Decide how much/little is enough/not enough, and talk about it the moment things start to go south. Don't let 1 month of no intimacy turn into 2, and 1 year turn into many.

I have always had a high sex drive. I was married for 20 years before my ex-wife got tired of sex. I was divorced for 12 years before re-marrying to a woman that enjoyed sex, but not a "high" sex drive. Today is our 14th anniversary. Our actual sex sessions is 3 times a year for the past 3 years. I wish I could offer advice, then I would know what to do for myself.

good story...

Thrive,<br />
I applaud your rationally positive response. I would believe it myself were I not 'stuck'! I can't see asexual spouses as outliers. A 2 or 5% sample might be an outlier. If you recall, CPAguy or someone posted that study - 20+ percent women seemed to have a low drive. Why would the number be any different for men? This makes it between 1/5th and 1/3rd of the adult population within whatever age-range!! Not an outlier.<br />
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I believe what I (or you, or you Emmsy) need is a perfect person. Unfortunately this person does not exist. As such, I see marriage a losing proposition. I think its fine to live and love and all that, but to stuff marriage down love's throat is nonsense.

I'd like to offer a different perspective and maybe some reassurance. Sounds like your first boyfriend was an outlier, just like the partners of many of us here. Even though it happened in my marriage, I don’t believe that is the “norm”. Here is an article that someone else posted on the site: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13830384 According to this, in generally, people are getting it more and better when married than not. <br />
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Fortunately you saw the writing on the wall and were able to move on. Don’t let fear keep you from finding happiness and love. If someone (well – this applies for both of you) loves you, cares about your wants/needs/fears, is willing to talk about issues, and willing to work together .. then you have a good chance of being able to work through the bumps that inevitably come up in any relationship. <br />
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Also, what I have found in life is that isn’t what you are worried about that gets you ... it is something else that you didn’t have on your radar that sneaks up and catches you by surprise. Which means worrying is usually futile. <br />
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Good luck!

While the MSNBC article has a few data points of interest, it perpetuates myths of its own.

It does a bit of "blaming the victim." You're sexless becauuse you aren't trying hard enough. Read enough posts in the "I Live in a Sexless Marriage" forum and you'll find Herculean efforts to rekindle fires that a refuser honestly doesn't see a need to re-light. This, also, is natural. They go hand in hand. The Coolidge effect numbs erotic enthusiasm for a partner and there's some indication that success in temporary "revving the engine" leaves you just as bad as you were or worse.

Only the Karezza technique seems to prevent this, but I could see how using Karezza might be a BIGGER secret than having a sexless marriage. I don't use Karezza. The wife and I are getting along okay and suggesting it might not be as good as its advocates like to say it is.

using a technique only works if the partner actually wants sex in the first place.
If your partner is soo up tight that they can't even think about sex, well, it is an unsolvable issue, isn't it?

Lol, so basically you're just confirming my worst fear, that there is no happily ever after when it comes to a sex-filled relationship. After being in a sexless relationship for many years, I certainly can't say I know what a marriage is, but I know I've had a taste (and I think it was longer than a lot of marriages, sadly). I tried to look for positive stories, but after looking up "marriage" on EP, not a one of them was a positive group. (update- in actuality, I'm really just poor at looking things up, there are happily *married groups on EP)

Yes I understand what you say here. If I were your age and had access to the stories, I think I would have been really confused - wanting to be in love with someone, yet reading that it doesn't work out.<br />
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Perhaps you should stop reading my comment now because I now find it RATIONAL that a marriage will turn sexless. It just seems logical. Once married, your primal urge to chase and get is satisfied. Once you have kids, its curtains. No way out.<br />
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Also remember, in marriage the quality of the relationship is defined by the lesser person, the crappier contribution, the lowest common denominator. So if you happen to be the one to want more, you'll always lose. Entropy is the natural state. Any organized effort basically goes against the grain and shall fail eventually, and so it does.<br />
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If I suddenly were to become your age and unattached, I'd NEVER get married. I'd love, sure, but be extremely open from the get go that this horse is not looking to be shoed. I am sure if its meant to happen it'll happen. Or else maybe you'll have great sexual relationships. But I think unless you go through a sexless relationship for a long time, you can not KNOW how bad it is to be all locked up!

Largely agree. I've been studying the Coolidge effect.
wrote up a piece on my Blog (http://lapseofjudgment.blogs.experienceproject.com/) called: "It's Not Their Fault That They Don't Want Us Physically Anymore"

Yes, sex typically dies away, but it helps to understand WHY, and what measures might be taken to sabotage nature. (It's a little weird.)