Bit of An Obsession...

I like Dan Savages perspective, they can't have monogamy and not meet your sexual needs. If they want to remain sexless, they have to give the green light to you finding satisfaction elsewhere. The details are up for negotiation, ie how discrete the wandering partner needs to be.

Yeah I can lament. I am in sexless marriage and it sucks, going on four years now without sex. I can't help thinking that if she really wanted me, she would try, but she doesn't. If you really wanted something, most people would go get it. So now it's leading me to believe that all women are like this, that they don't want sex and/or any intimacy.

I wish that I had a way out, or at least find a side relationship to make up for what is missing.

I understand your worry, but you now know how important it is to you. If you left once you can do leave again.

Communicate with your partners about this before you get married and let them know that lack of intimacy is not ok for you. For me, I see sexlessness as being unfaithful, equal to an affair.

Lastly, if you have difficulties expressing your needs/feelings, perhaps some counseling is in order. Good luck to you!

Just make sure you both make it a priority, keep it fun and interesting and don't let life's struggles get in the way. Decide how much/little is enough/not enough, and talk about it the moment things start to go south. Don't let 1 month of no intimacy turn into 2, and 1 year turn into many.

I have always had a high sex drive. I was married for 20 years before my ex-wife got tired of sex. I was divorced for 12 years before re-marrying to a woman that enjoyed sex, but not a "high" sex drive. Today is our 14th anniversary. Our actual sex sessions is 3 times a year for the past 3 years. I wish I could offer advice, then I would know what to do for myself.

good story...

Thrive,

I applaud your rationally positive response. I would believe it myself were I not 'stuck'! I can't see asexual spouses as outliers. A 2 or 5% sample might be an outlier. If you recall, CPAguy or someone posted that study - 20+ percent women seemed to have a low drive. Why would the number be any different for men? This makes it between 1/5th and 1/3rd of the adult population within whatever age-range!! Not an outlier.



I believe what I (or you, or you Emmsy) need is a perfect person. Unfortunately this person does not exist. As such, I see marriage a losing proposition. I think its fine to live and love and all that, but to stuff marriage down love's throat is nonsense.

I'd like to offer a different perspective and maybe some reassurance. Sounds like your first boyfriend was an outlier, just like the partners of many of us here. Even though it happened in my marriage, I don’t believe that is the “norm”. Here is an article that someone else posted on the site: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13830384 According to this, in generally, people are getting it more and better when married than not.



Fortunately you saw the writing on the wall and were able to move on. Don’t let fear keep you from finding happiness and love. If someone (well – this applies for both of you) loves you, cares about your wants/needs/fears, is willing to talk about issues, and willing to work together .. then you have a good chance of being able to work through the bumps that inevitably come up in any relationship.



Also, what I have found in life is that isn’t what you are worried about that gets you ... it is something else that you didn’t have on your radar that sneaks up and catches you by surprise. Which means worrying is usually futile.



Good luck!

Lol, so basically you're just confirming my worst fear, that there is no happily ever after when it comes to a sex-filled relationship. After being in a sexless relationship for many years, I certainly can't say I know what a marriage is, but I know I've had a taste (and I think it was longer than a lot of marriages, sadly). I tried to look for positive stories, but after looking up "marriage" on EP, not a one of them was a positive group. (update- in actuality, I'm really just poor at looking things up, there are happily *married groups on EP)

Yes I understand what you say here. If I were your age and had access to the stories, I think I would have been really confused - wanting to be in love with someone, yet reading that it doesn't work out.



Perhaps you should stop reading my comment now because I now find it RATIONAL that a marriage will turn sexless. It just seems logical. Once married, your primal urge to chase and get is satisfied. Once you have kids, its curtains. No way out.



Also remember, in marriage the quality of the relationship is defined by the lesser person, the crappier contribution, the lowest common denominator. So if you happen to be the one to want more, you'll always lose. Entropy is the natural state. Any organized effort basically goes against the grain and shall fail eventually, and so it does.



If I suddenly were to become your age and unattached, I'd NEVER get married. I'd love, sure, but be extremely open from the get go that this horse is not looking to be shoed. I am sure if its meant to happen it'll happen. Or else maybe you'll have great sexual relationships. But I think unless you go through a sexless relationship for a long time, you can not KNOW how bad it is to be all locked up!