"I Hurt For My Son"

I hurt for my son like so many other children in this country who does not have a relationship with his father. His father and I split up in 1993. My ex husband has not had much to do with my son through his whole life. My son was only 2 yrs old when we split up. His father did come around the first couple of years but not very often. He got his girlfriend pregnant before our divorce was even final. They had a child together and his visits became fewer and fewer to non existant. It really hurts me for my son. He is such a good kid. He is 16 yrs old now and has never had a male role model in his life since I never remarried.

 The last time he saw his father was in 2000. His dad looked me up and came by to see my son. It turns out the reason for his visit was to try to get me to back off going after him for child support. The visit was very brief and we have not seen him since. I can understand his father not wanting to see me since we are no longer together. I don't understand why it is so easy for people to forget their children like they never existed! Now adays I see women doing this too! They walk out of their kids lives and never have a relationship with them again.

 I don't understand how any man or woman can do this to their own child. My son never gets Christmas cards or birthday cards! No phone calls nothing! The last we heard his father was living in Florida somewhere. He does not pay child support and is on the run from that. If this is his reason he could always find a way to keep his location secret and still contact my son. Kids are mean too! In middle school the kids teased him for not having a father. He dosen't talk about his father anymore and he has grown up just fine.

 I sometimes wonder if he will ever see his father again. His family will not tell us where he is living because of the whole child support thing. My heart goes out to my son. I think that we really hurt for our children when they are wronged. It makes me so angry and sick inside.

July 2, 2009 this is my update to this story! Wow it's hard to believe I have been a member here on EP that long! My son is now 18 yrs old and graduated highschool June 19th. Last Summer my ex husband showed up after all these years. He came by here one day while I was at work and saw my son. He had tried to call for two weeks and my son would not have anything to do with him so he decided to just show up. My son was civil to him but still wanted nothing to do with him. He showed up here a few times since over the last several months and it seemed all he wanted to talk about was our upcoming court dates and he begged me to drop the case against him for non payment of child support. He even tried to con my son into talking me into it. My son being the smart young man he is saw right through this mess! It's sad through all those visits he never asked my son any personal questions about himself or even tried to get to know him! So still I hurt for my son but he turned out ok through all he has been through. I wanted him to have the option as to whether or not to try and have a relationship with his dad I left all that up to him. He declined and to tell you the truth who could blame him?

cmost cmost
36-40, F
7 Responses May 5, 2007

Me too as far as the step father thing I myself have been through that but as far as my son this was actually his biological father this happened with. Pretty sad huh?

Oh yes, the step father thing. Been there. Done that. There are always good stories as well as bad.

My parents divorced when I was 7... honestly it was the best thing. My Mom + My Dad + booze= thermonuclear war every 10 seconds. I do have to give them both a lot of credit. When it came down to the chips being on the table they were able to communicate effectively enough that us kids got whatever it was we needed.<br />
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Fast forward a bunch of years and I found myself in the position that my partner and I were breaking up. In the years that we were together her son chose to call me Mom as well, even though I was only 3 years older than him. I called him while everything was still blowing up and told him that we wouldn't mention his mom and that I didn't want to lose him too. Thankfully we are still very close because I learned how to break up effectively without dragging everyone through the mud.<br />
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As much as you hurt for your son... you could put a different light on it. You are showing your son what a strong woman can do. You have picked yourself up after the divorce and started your life over again. You are showing him what it is to make sure the bills are paid and a roof over his head. You are showing him how to best make do with what life has dealt him and to be happy in those circumstances.... and also how to have the courage to change things if you can't be happy in those same circumstances. You are teaching him that even though times can be tough... there is always an end to those tough times.<br />
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You can look at the entire situation as what he is missing out on... or... you can see the gifts and life lessons that you are giving him that will last him through his life and make him a better person.<br />
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*whispers* besides with your ex being a dork and providing the perfect example of what NOT to do... you have a lot of wiggle room to make those "mistakes" that every parent thinks they make but years later find out that it was a good mistake when their kid says something that could have easily come out of Ghandi's mouth. <br />
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This one I know for sure....my sis and I do it to my mom all the time.

my parents split when i was 12 mos. by the time their divorce was final i was 24 mos and i'd only seen my father 3 times ... his choice. it wasn't long before i got an evil, alcoholic, abusive stepfather that made me long for my real father. as time went on and i came up with questions my mom always answered me without her feelings of him involved - she never showed any emotion regarding him. for a very long time this bothered me - i wanted more! after i'd grown up i decided i did not want to find the man ... after 25 years and he's never contacted me? no thanks! especially after my stepdad situation. altho i was nearly 30 i had a question about him again (health history) ... went to my mother and this time, i guess she thought since i'd not attempted to locate him that i could handle it, she ended up confiding in me why their marriage went south and some of the things he did and how he was - in her mind ... it hurt! i didn't have any idea what he was like, i hadn't made him out to be some 'dream dad' or anything (not after 25+ yrs of no contact) ... nonetheless, it's something i would rather not know. i'm not sure why after all that time my mother chose to share with me. altho i'm a girl and it's a bit different, i did miss out on being a 'daddy's lil girl' and in that way it's much the same. i think if it were me, i'd let my son do as he wishes and aid him as i can; giving him all info possible without (COMPLETELY WITHOUT) putting his father in sort of light whatsoever - allow your son to form his own opinion ... chances are he already has but he's holding out on hope. i don't get these parents who can walk away from their children - i was married to a man who did that and i simply couldn't stand for it and i myself formed a relationship with the child. it's a sad world we live in and it's simply not getting any better - so it seems. follow your heart, love your boy, love yourself and take care...

I have to agree with RandomGal. I mean my middle two kids' dad used to make all dorts of promises to them when they were little, about how he's going to show them he's going to be a good dad, they'll make up for lost time yadda yadda yadda... Well, they wanted their dad in their lives and they believed every word. I never said a cross word of him in front of them. Well, they got up old enough and saw him for what he truly is. They now do their best to avoid him whenever he's around. I remember when my (& his) daughter was pregnant with her first child. Her dad was in town at this particular time that I had taken her to the ER for dizziness, near black-outs and some other problems. well, she was dehydrated and they were going to admit her to get rehydrate her and replenish electrolytes and all that. well, I took her back home first to get a few things and let her husband know she was going to be admitted. Well, her dad showed up at the house to ask me if I had money or if I knew of anybody that would trade him cash for food stamps. I said I didn't and I really didn't have time to talk to him. It went like this: "I just took $%$%$%$ to the ER. They're admitting her." "yeah? Why?" "Dehydration." "Oh. Well I really need some cas..." A;ll I could think about is; "That sorry no father ***!" My daughter told me: "See mom, he doesn't care." I told her that yes, I knew. I understand that it wasn't life threatening, but a true caring father would want to know some details and not worry at that particular time about how to screw the system to his advantage. (He never cared for work, anyway)<br />
Your wonderful son will see his father for what he really is. He'll also respect you more for not being the one trying to keep you apart or instill your feelings of him on your son. "It all comes out in the wash" is how the saying goes. It nearly always does, also.

I know how your son feels. Even though I lived with my father in the same house, but he never showed any love, care or attention to me. Although, he showed my other siblings more love than me. Till this day, I don't understand why. He mostly cared about his job and he traveled a lot and he barely came in the house, just to eat or sleep. Anyways, I'm sure that your son is dissappointed from his dad. But after a while, he'll understand all of the situation. If his dad was a bad person, then your son is lucky to not have his dad living with him because sons mostly copy their male role model or fathers. If his living with you in a loving and tender environment then trust me, that's all he needs. Even if he didn't get birthday cards or phone calls, he'll always know that you were always by his side and supporting him. I also think that just like life had teached both of us how to be strong people, it will teach him how to be a responsible parent when he grows up. If his dad didn't show any care for him, then he'll make it up by showing all the love he can to his children. He'll also know that he was better of without his dad, because not knowing how terrible his dad was is better for him. Even if he didn't have any communication with him, he had it all with you. You have to always remember that some kids don't even have parents and how lucky your son is to have you in his life. I didn't have much of a male role model but I ended up just fine and I always cherished my mother for giving me the love and support that my father never showed. So just try to keep loving and supporting him and that will do it all.

I hurt for your son. In time, he will seek his father out and will decide who is father really is. You cannot prevent this, it just is a natural means of growing up. I, myself, had a father like your son and to this day despite my efforts, still do not have a relationship with my father. I finally came to realize that my father was incapable of having a relationship with me, it was too hard to be reminded of what he had lost and too difficult to explain to his current wife. Not having a relationship with me was the easier choice. I hope for your son that he comes to accept his father for what he is and not try to hide in illusions for what he wants his father to be. As a mom, with two children myself, I firmly believe that children are perceptive and deep down know the truth. Your son's father is not really a man and is simple a coward. Your son maybe needs to hear that and maybe in his own mind he will come to terms with it. Good luck!