Biting Isnt Enough Any More...

Wow. I dont think i have ever admitted anything to anyone. So this is a first... I realize though that I have reached some kind of no return place... If help is to be had. I guess I should try and get some.

I was extensively abused as a child. In fact, one of my first memories is of it. I think I was about 3. The abuse continued until i was 12, when it abruptly stopped. I am not willing to say more on this, so please don't push me on it...

I am not sure when i started biting, nor the reason why, but I just generally do that when i get angry, hurt or upset. Even if its a physical pain, I find that biting helps distract me.

I have been married for 12 years, and have a 10 year old daughter. After several years of countless marital problems of him being cold and distant, reluctant for any physical contact, including, but not limited to hugs, kisses and sex, I finally at wits end, asked him what was up, after years and years of the same question, i guess my lack of emotion helped him to finally be honest. He never loved me. He can't you see, because he has no emotion whatsoever. He is responsible though, and have a sense of duty, but thats it.  He has no concept of emotion. Our daughter nearly fell, and it made no impact on him. The fall would have killed her, to put this in perspective. He did not want to divorce though because it was completely illogical, being unfeasible financially speaking. 

Needless to say, I do not have a supportive family, so I am doing this on my own. His family is all I have. 

For a while, I was uncertain of whether I should even split up, and might it not be  possible to make peace with the fact that he doesn't love me. Never did, and never could...

I have a few friends who I can talk to, but no one that I am comfortable with asking for any form of help... But all of them pretty much told me to leave my husband. The thing is, we pretended for so long that we are a perfect couple, it has become second nature, and I don't know how to stop. 

After years of loneliness, I developed quite a busy internet life. Facebook, writing groups, art groups, awareness groups. A whole separate life built around the pretend perfection of my life.

One person, out of hundreds, saw through the facade, and eventually gained my trust enough that I told the whole truth to. Now, after months of friendship, I started to feel more for him. He feels the same, but I am still married, and since he is in another country, I can't really pursue it, right now, he is just a light in the dark.

When I pushed for divorce, my husband said he would take my daughter. He would use his parents to do so. Since then he has quite turned her against me, using his parents as well. She has gone from a sweet young girl, to refusing to listen to, and when I attempt to discipline her, she turns around accusing me of being a bad mother. I organize outings with her and my husband uses it to further his case with her by taking charge of all the fun stuff. When I try to regain control, and spend some time with her, he turns it around on me so fast, I don't know what hit me. I get angry or emotional, it furthers his case. 

I feel so powerless, I don't know how to regain anything. Plus my daughters attitude makes me so hurt and angry that I can barely think straight. And it makes me aggressive and unhappy, which again doesn't help me at all. 

He earns much more than I do. His parents has offered him their house which is located in a safer area. They clarified that the house will go to him alone and made sure to do so in front of my daughter. She now has asked to live there because the house is so much nicer and her grandparents love her more than I do. These are her words.

So needless to say, my regular biting has become constant biting. I made an accident with my car which is now not covered by my insurance, and i need to fix the damage on my car and the other persons car, which means I am worse off financial than ever before, and less able to take on going it alone.

That being said, I started biting badly again. It is not enough. I wanted more pain to distract because biting didn't work. Out of desperation, i finally started cutting. Today. I did not want large obvious cuts, so i made several very small ones close enough together that u could easily say it was a bad scrape, but it is still not enough. It isn't helping. 

If I cut any more, this further harms my case to get custody, and this makes me want to have even more pain to distract me. I feel like I am drowning, and I have no way out... 

RayneJ RayneJ
31-35, F
Nov 26, 2012