Biting Isnt Enough Any More...

Wow. I dont think i have ever admitted anything to anyone. So this is a first... I realize though that I have reached some kind of no return place... If help is to be had. I guess I should try and get some.

I was extensively abused as a child. In fact, one of my first memories is of it. I think I was about 3. The abuse continued until i was 12, when it abruptly stopped. I am not willing to say more on this, so please don't push me on it...

I am not sure when i started biting, nor the reason why, but I just generally do that when i get angry, hurt or upset. Even if its a physical pain, I find that biting helps distract me.

I have been married for 12 years, and have a 10 year old daughter. After several years of countless marital problems of him being cold and distant, reluctant for any physical contact, including, but not limited to hugs, kisses and sex, I finally at wits end, asked him what was up, after years and years of the same question, i guess my lack of emotion helped him to finally be honest. He never loved me. He can't you see, because he has no emotion whatsoever. He is responsible though, and have a sense of duty, but thats it.  He has no concept of emotion. Our daughter nearly fell, and it made no impact on him. The fall would have killed her, to put this in perspective. He did not want to divorce though because it was completely illogical, being unfeasible financially speaking. 

Needless to say, I do not have a supportive family, so I am doing this on my own. His family is all I have. 

For a while, I was uncertain of whether I should even split up, and might it not be  possible to make peace with the fact that he doesn't love me. Never did, and never could...

I have a few friends who I can talk to, but no one that I am comfortable with asking for any form of help... But all of them pretty much told me to leave my husband. The thing is, we pretended for so long that we are a perfect couple, it has become second nature, and I don't know how to stop. 

After years of loneliness, I developed quite a busy internet life. Facebook, writing groups, art groups, awareness groups. A whole separate life built around the pretend perfection of my life.

One person, out of hundreds, saw through the facade, and eventually gained my trust enough that I told the whole truth to. Now, after months of friendship, I started to feel more for him. He feels the same, but I am still married, and since he is in another country, I can't really pursue it, right now, he is just a light in the dark.

When I pushed for divorce, my husband said he would take my daughter. He would use his parents to do so. Since then he has quite turned her against me, using his parents as well. She has gone from a sweet young girl, to refusing to listen to, and when I attempt to discipline her, she turns around accusing me of being a bad mother. I organize outings with her and my husband uses it to further his case with her by taking charge of all the fun stuff. When I try to regain control, and spend some time with her, he turns it around on me so fast, I don't know what hit me. I get angry or emotional, it furthers his case. 

I feel so powerless, I don't know how to regain anything. Plus my daughters attitude makes me so hurt and angry that I can barely think straight. And it makes me aggressive and unhappy, which again doesn't help me at all. 

He earns much more than I do. His parents has offered him their house which is located in a safer area. They clarified that the house will go to him alone and made sure to do so in front of my daughter. She now has asked to live there because the house is so much nicer and her grandparents love her more than I do. These are her words.

So needless to say, my regular biting has become constant biting. I made an accident with my car which is now not covered by my insurance, and i need to fix the damage on my car and the other persons car, which means I am worse off financial than ever before, and less able to take on going it alone.

That being said, I started biting badly again. It is not enough. I wanted more pain to distract because biting didn't work. Out of desperation, i finally started cutting. Today. I did not want large obvious cuts, so i made several very small ones close enough together that u could easily say it was a bad scrape, but it is still not enough. It isn't helping. 

If I cut any more, this further harms my case to get custody, and this makes me want to have even more pain to distract me. I feel like I am drowning, and I have no way out... 

RayneJ RayneJ
31-35, F
1 Response Nov 26, 2012

I can feel what you are going through. I am not going to go into my whole story here but I want to let you know you are not alone in the way you feel. I know how good the physical pain is in over running the emotional pain. I have cut myself a lot. And then turned to head banging. I have a hard time controlling it. I made a promise to someone very special to me that I wouldn't cut any more. It is just so hard. But, let me tell you what he said to me. When you cut or harm yourself, it isn't just you who you are harming it is also those people around you who love you. You might not believe it, but your daughter loves you. And if she sees what you have done and are doing, it is going to hurt her. And it might influence her enough to do it herself. I am in therapy and going to a lot of things to learn coping skills and stuff. I have post tramatic stress disorder. I was severally sexually abused by my grandfather, physicall and emotionally abused my step mothers and basically neglected by my father. So, now I have become a wreck. You truly need to reach out and ask for help. Go to a therapist and talk it out. Write out what you are feeling. Let yourself feel the anger. Anger is a valid emotion, it is what you do with it that shows your character. Children are not always easy to deal with. I had problems with mine, they left me for their father. It hurt very badly, Ididn't see them again for 20 years. We lived in different states plus a whole lot of other stuff. If she is going to be living close enough to you where you will see her often, then I suggest you support her decision. And as long as he isn't abusing her in any way. She is doing it to make you made. She is doing and saying things for attention. She feels she needs to choose sides so she doesn't get left as well. Daughters choose their fathers most of the time. I know her moving away even if it is just across the street will hurt. But, if she knows you l love her enough to let her go, she will in time come back to you. Stop fighting with both of them. Start negotiating for time to spend with her. Life will get easier and you will make it through this. And you need to know, harming yourself will never solve anything. Go running or do house work or some such thing instead. If you need a friend to talk with, I am here for you. Good luck.