I Hurt So Bad. So Terribly Bad.

I am going to write how I feel inside right now. I want you to know what it’s like for me when I am having a really hard night, an episode, a crisis, whatever you want to call it. I am going to write until it stops hurting, until the ache inside is less and until the pain subsides. I wonder if I typed, if I could undo some of the sadness inside of me. Just an overwhelming sense of sadness came over my body, as if to say, you are hurting, take a second, and feel the pain, and i don't really want to, I’d rather it just go away. I hate the moments like this, when the pain seems to be so much, too much to handle, and deal with. It hurts and it aches so deep inside of me, and there is nothing on earth I can do about it, nothing and my insides scream, and i want to cry, and i need to be held, and there is no one around, and i want so badly to chat with someone, anyone, but i will not bother them, especially those who I run to all the time, i will not reach out to them, i feel safe, and why bother them when i feel safe? Do I really feel safe?? I don’t know. These feelings inside hurt so badly I just want to die. There is no one else online, no one who i would chat with, and feel safe with, no one to even have a chit chatty conversation. The list is dead, and quiet. And it’s after 10 so i can't/won't call anyone. And i am forever doing this to myself, always... hurt and fall apart when i need people the most, and they are nowhere to be found. I hate myself sometimes for it... its Tuesday night... that’s what it is, and i should just be in bed... the trauma blares in my head, and i can't drown out the sound, and my soul aches, and bleeds, and i want nothing more than a hug, and that is forever going to be too much to ask for, and so i beg for someone to chat with, and that is too much.. And I want someone to reach through and know that i am hurting, and i need it so badly, so very badly. And my friends and people that i trust well it’s too late to bug them and I’d rather not bother them with my words. And so I go through my days with this unmistakable sadness, and i lie to all those around me when they ask how i am, and i want you, to hold me, to love me, to allow me to cry, to stay with me through the night, and tell me this is just one of those nights, and I’ll feel better in the morning, just hold me and tell me this, because I am having a hard time believing it tonight, and that’s always not good, because i don't know how to hold on, i don't remember the way, to find tomorrow morning, without hurting myself, with crying so many tears, or none at all, but without wishing i was dead, and thinking of seriously acting on those wishes, and i forget what it’s like to smile, and to laugh and to feel ok, and i worry that i will never remember and i hurt so bad inside. And it doesn't want to go away, and i feel so lost and so hurt and so scared and alone, and i can't make myself reach out anymore... i keep telling myself it’s the only way to make things better, but it doesn't happen, and I don't do anything, and I'm so afraid tonight.. So scared.

I feel like this big baby, with no way out of the pain. no way to end the feeling and i feel helpless inside, and scared, oh so scared, and there is nothing i can do i wish so badly there was someone who cares enough to message, or who i knew cared enough to be talked to, but it’s after 10, i should be going to bed, but i don't want to wake up in the morning, and i feel so scared, so scared, and i hate this.. I hate it, and i want you to be here, please, and i fight inside myself, yelling and screaming, not sure to mgs you or not... i want to... but why should i? Because i know you'd understand? Or because i know you would care? I want you to love me again... i want to be ok... i need to be ok. And i want to cry, i need to cry and i cannot... and I can’t scream, can't feel better. I hurt, so badly inside i hurt, an di hate this, because i keep thinking of the ways in. i felt so upset the whole night, that night.. Until it was over, until i knew... and it took forever to know i could live... but i did... and i will...
me2plz me2plz
31-35, F
3 Responses Jul 21, 2010

*hugs*

i know how you feel. yet..... <br />
"even if wounds heal, scars remain"<br />
..no matter what we do, loners can only be loners...you have three options<br />
- change completely into a new person (force new hobbies, go to NEW places) [ easy but needs time]<br />
- find pleasure in depression ( find good things about being alone) [tried this, the scars still burn]<br />
- search for similar people and lick each others wounds. (live sad and happy at the same time) <br />
NOTE : never force friends, people look more mysterious when they are normal......

Wow. My dear, your words seem to mirror my own. They are the echoes of my motions that I could never put into words. I try to be strong and act happy... but most people don't know that inside this warrior's armor there is a very small child.<br />
<br />
Again, if you need to talk, please feel free to use my ears :) I am not on here every day, but even if you want to write a huge long letter of whatever happens to be in your head at the moment, I would be glad to read it.<br />
<br />
I hope your Today is a much brighter day than that dark night was.<br />
<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
<br />
~Starla